Showing posts with label 50 shades of grey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 50 shades of grey. Show all posts

Sunday, July 15, 2012

PNP Power Bottom

Dear Europe, Canada, and the internet at large,

Earlier this year we posted about SOPA; a dangerous anti-net neutrality law that could have destroyed the internet as we know it. SOPA, thanks to the combined efforts of the internet and citizens of the United States, was defeated. Now, a new threat is on the horizon and it is your turn, Canada and Europe, to take a stand and protect your rights from your politicians, committees, and the greedy corporations seeking to profit from stripping you of your rights.

ACTA, a.k.a European SOPA, the Anti Counterfitting Trade Agreement, is another highly dangerous threat to your rights and net neutrality. It has been kicking around for almost as long as SOPA (so late last year basically), and was recently thought to be at a stand-still since being rejected by Europe Union. Unfortunately, it now looks like Canada and The European Commission, a group of self-appointed, unelected technocrats lining the pockets of multinational corporations, are not taking no for an answer. According to some sensitive documents that were leaked (thank you internet for doing what you do), it looks like this panel of super douches will use CETA, the Canada - EU Trade Agreement, as a back door to sneak all these over-reaching and damaging provisions over the boarder into law.

ACTA is every bit as damaging to the internet at large as SOPA would have been. ANY SHARED CONTENT THAT YOU DO NOT EXPRESSLY OWN COULD MAKE YOU A POTENTIAL CRIMINAL. ACTA is a pact between countries to ensure that copywriten content, no mater how loosely defined, cannot be shared outside of their country of origin. We already see this happening on YouTube, Google rankings and search, as well as some music sharing sites. If ACTA passes, there will be NO MORE FANFICTIONS, NO MORE IMAGE GALLERIES, NO MORE FANDOM NEWS SOURCE SHARING. NOTHING.

As I have said before, I do not care if you don't think of yourself as political, that you don't care about your rights, get all your downloads legally, that you're too young to vote, don't have time to vote, don't live in Europe or Canada -- THIS IS THE FUCKING INTERNET. Everyone knows someone, who knows someone, who dated someone, who was a foreign exchange student, who met online, who dated online, who masturbated to fanfiction. Reach out to your fellow fans, people you know outside the fandom, your politicians, friends, family, co-works, and tell them you will not stand for any suppression of your rights.


Be sure to check out the video below for a cut and dry explanation of ACTA and inform yourselves on what is really going on. You can also click here to see what was in the original ACTA agreement verses what the commission is trying to tag onto CETA (spoiler alert: not much different).




Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming...


120 Shades of Grey by Jarrod Shanahan

WARNING: libertines, crossover, actually witty, BDSM themes, D/S themes

Marquis De Cullen x E.L. Swan
A hilarious 120 Days of Sodom/50 Shades of Grey mashed potato.


Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction: Chaps. 8-10 ... maybe? Whatever.
WARNING: slash, melodrama, ironic misogyny, pubic hair shaming, maneurysm
DanielTosh!ward x Jas!hole

Out of the darkest jungles of moist pubic hair stalks the latest installment of Boys and Their Toys, straight from Edward Cullen's fantasies to your nightmares.  Muscular men beat a primal tattoo with their flaming cocks as you use your double-ended dildo to machete through underbrush.




120 Shades of Grey by Jarrod Shanahan
Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction




Sources: http://boingboing.net/?p=170057
              http://www.michaelgeist.ca/content/view/6580/135/

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Sexual Gelflings

Call us Baskin Throbbin', because we have 50 flavors of nonconsensual activity coming at your face!


But hey, you were asking for it.


More from the Batter of the Sexes this time on Cullen the Kettle Black as our heroine, Bella Swan, desperately tries to navigate her way out of the soggy paper bag that is her relationship with Edward Anthony Christian Mason Cullen-Grey ESQUIRE.


When she's not colliding face-first into sliding doors, Miss Swan ponders the illegality of human slavery, accepts extravagant gifts from strange men, and uses her feminine wiles to warm the cockles of Edward's heart.


To further their totes healthy discussion of limits and consent, Edward gives Bella the gift of a redundantly expensive laptop, delivered to her apartment by some nerd whose only purpose is to provide the Greek Chorus to Edward Cullen's improbable wealth.


Since apparently Ms. Swan used a time machine to reach the Year of Our Lord 2012, she has never owned a computer and if left to her own devices would have cracked the new gadget open on a rock and consumed its soft innards.


Once the tricky business of opening a browser is out of the way, Bella is free to peruse the internet for more info on D/S relationships, mostly by typing "Why?" into Yahoo Answers and waiting.

Bella's lack of technological knowledge, while impressive, is rivaled only by Edward's ignorance of the female body. Both their approaches seem to be just to mash buttons wildly until they get their way, and for being a depraved kinky sex god, Edward Cullen's sex technique is like Mr. Bean in a china shop full of dildos.

In one of the more horrifying date-rape-portrayed-as-kink moments so far, we end the chapter with the worst break-in/make-up sex scene ever written with Bella playing the Cindy Lou-Hoo to Edward's sexual Grinch.

Unfortunately in the eyes of the law it is impossible to rape the willing... So even when he's coercing an insecure, brain-dead girl into sex, Edward won't ever be a candidate for the chemical castration he so richly deserves.

OH MY...
IT'S...

Master of the Universe by Icy Hot: Chaps. 19-25


If you would like to provide your own musical accompaniment to this stellar performance of Master of the Universe, pop on over to Icy Hot's OFFICIAL PLAYLIST (sooooo, nothing like SMeyer then, right?). Featuring such timeless humpa-thumpa butt-grinders as "Toxic" by B.Spears, "Witchcraft" by Frank Sinatra, and "Sperm in Aluminum" by Harry Christopher's Turning Sixteen. Also click on the video below to see sexual, chubby cheeked perma-tween Selena Gomez play Anastasia in Funny or Die's version of 50 Shades. It is a little more die than funny, but it's kinda refreshing to see that not everyone is in on this Walmart on Black Friday style sprint to the finish.



Introducing the hit new addition to the Fifty Shades of Grey product line -- the Fifty Shades TRADING CARD GAME! The greatest game ever made. Strategize on how to best manipulate relative strangers and future lovers into non-consensual, compromising, sexual situations and then shame them hideously for it! Complicated, heavily worded contracts and non disclosure agreements make the rules of this game almost impossible to understand! You will be too dizzy from being dick slapped with legally non-binding, circular logic to remember what you're talking about, who you came to the party with, what's in your butt, and whose turn it is to roll. YOU WILL FORGET HOW TO USE A COMPUTER, EMAIL, OR HOW TO CALL 911. Collect all 50!



Saturday, May 5, 2012

Cat Daddy



Happy Extremely Belated First Anniversary, Internet. On this untimely celebration of what we ASS=u+me was the most auspicious of occasions, our paper anniversary, we have had something especially printed for you all. Feast your asses on this TWILIGHT TOILET PAPER(available here if you realllllly want it)!

Also, a very happy Cinco de Mayo to all our Mexi-CANS. Thanks for butt-fucking up Napoleon's plans and inadvertently crushing the Southern troupes from within. You saved us from having to deal with France as a super douche power nation. International high fives all around.

Seven by Estoria:
WARNING: harvest time, child brides
Rape!cob x Jack!Resnesmee (thumbs up if you remember the movie Jack)

Young, dumb, and full of spiders, Jacob Black sits numbly before a jury of his peers awaiting what he is sure will be a guilty verdict. His attorney had gone for a the hail mary "Dog Years" defense. He wasn't convinced it was going to work, but "if the muzzle doesn't fit, you must acquit!" Renesmee Cullen might have turned a sexy, salivating seven years old in human years that day, but that's still 44 in dog years if she were a small breed. The judge emerges from his chamber of secrets and the court rises to receive the verdict.

Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction: Chap. 2? Maybe? Who cares.
WARNING: righteous sex positive indignation, slimy pussy jungles
ED!ward x Jas!hole x Maggie

Here at Edward Cullen's COCK PALACE you get two in every hole. No fuzzy cunt pickles permitted, my dude. Just DICK, DICK, DICK


Communal Living by PolkaDotMama: Chaps. 7-8
WARNING: more of the same
ED!ward x Jas!hole x Omelet x CatDaddy!Carlisle

Call me SpongeBob, stackin' crabby patties. Bitch, I go to work. Do my Cat Daddy. Cat Daddy, Cat Daddy, Cat Daddy, Cat Daddy (bitch, I go to work).

That's what we wish this story was about.





Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction
Seven by Estora
Communal Living by PolkaDotMama

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Amature nipple fumbling

Happy Easter and a hearty welcome back to the most precious Christian treasures of our hearts, we've returned at long last to tickle the ivories of internet pronz. But first, a word from our sponsors...

In recent news, the fight for king of bat shit crazy mountain gets a bit steeper as the sentencing of the "Twilight Rapist" is set to commence, which you can read all about here, while in the mean time, 5 Million Shades of Disappointment has been picked up by Random House for reprint and shopped by Universal Studios for a $5 million, three-movie deal. So in honor of her success, we have decided to present you all with another selection from Master of The Universe.

Master of The Universe by Snow Queen's Ice Dragon: Chaps. 12-16
WARNING: D/S relationships, hoass, bourgeois home decorating, architecture porn, fine wines, terrible company, we smell a sitcom, #dreamscometrue 
Christian!ward x Anastasia!GeorgeTekai!ella

A soft "oh my" is uttered into the mirror as George studies his reflection carefully. George is about to DO IT with Edward Fucking Cullen! He is scared, nervous, and excited all at once. "What will it be like?" George wonders to himself, subconsciously touching his soft, wavy hair. Will he change? Will he look noticeably different to his peers? What about his parents? He had heard stories from the other girls at school that after they had done it the first time, their mothers knew right away. The other girls at school also said it was painful, but George was sure Edward would never hurt him. It would be the best night of his life.



CHECK HERE FOR A PERMANENT LINK TO MOTU

A slightly different version of the "Hi, my name is Joe!" song that MOST OF US learned as kids.