homo for the holigays

Ho, ho, hoooooly shit! We've returned with an interfaith spectacular to jingle your bellas. Tales of holiday cheer will be slowly revealed to you in a teasing, sensual manner by the emaciated, clammy, arthritic, pincer-like hand claws of Christmas past, present, and future.

We don't know about ya'll pagans, but our nipples are bleeding in stigmata-inspired religious transcendence at the prospect of such unspeakable joy.

New Year's Seductions by ventura.ivs
WARNING: fortune cookie foreplay, fem slash
fucking!lauren x bicurious!bella

You can't change a horse mid stream. A gentlemen is one who puts half his weight on elbows. Your lucky numbers: 4, 68, 90, 12, killyourself

The True Meaning of Christmas by MadAsAHatter37
WARNING: underage native american werewolves being fed alcohol, poppers, and compliments by older, affluent white men.
tocatchah!Carlisle x Scruge!ward x rape!cob

Edward Cullen, once a great believer in the traditional American Christmas, has shied from the sour teet of Kris Kringle. Growing despondent, as perpetual seventeen-year-olds are prone to do, Edward now believes Christmas to be a "Hallmark Holiday" conceived by the liberal agenda and perpetuated by the bargain-starved lower-classes to pervert God and country. Carlisile, the world's most misunderstood white woman,  wants his son to be reminded of the true-true spirit of the holidays. Unfortunately, bad boys like Edward only get one thing from Santa. Gang raped by their fathers and girlfriend's best friends.

Emmett's Hannukah Challenge by lexiecullen17
WARNING: gurl.
Dr.Dad!Carlisle x ED!ward x boring!bella

Oye vey Maria. Lounging in his home office reading a medical journal and rubbing his socked feet together while Dr. Phil plays on mute in the background, Carlisle's asshole begins to twitch and flutter. Sensing that his son is again in need of his help, Carlisle spits his gum and gets to work. This story leaves you with the sad aftertaste of a manischewitz hangover. Mazel Tov!





New Year's Seductions by ventura.ivs
The True Meaning of Christmas by MadAsAHatter37
Emmett's Hannukah Challenge by lexiecullen17

Cat Daddy

Happy Extremely Belated First Anniversary, Internet. On this untimely celebration of what we ASS=u+me was the most auspicious of occasions, our paper anniversary, we have had something especially printed for you all. Feast your asses on this TWILIGHT TOILET PAPER(available here if you realllllly want it)!

Also, a very happy Cinco de Mayo to all our Mexi-CANS. Thanks for butt-fucking up Napoleon's plans and inadvertently crushing the Southern troupes from within. You saved us from having to deal with France as a super douche power nation. International high fives all around.

Seven by Estoria:
WARNING: harvest time, child brides
Rape!cob x Jack!Resnesmee (thumbs up if you remember the movie Jack)

Young, dumb, and full of spiders, Jacob Black sits numbly before a jury of his peers awaiting what he is sure will be a guilty verdict. His attorney had gone for a the hail mary "Dog Years" defense. He wasn't convinced it was going to work, but "if the muzzle doesn't fit, you must acquit!" Renesmee Cullen might have turned a sexy, salivating seven years old in human years that day, but that's still 44 in dog years if she were a small breed. The judge emerges from his chamber of secrets and the court rises to receive the verdict.

Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction: Chap. 2? Maybe? Who cares.
WARNING: righteous sex positive indignation, slimy pussy jungles
ED!ward x Jas!hole x Maggie

Here at Edward Cullen's COCK PALACE you get two in every hole. No fuzzy cunt pickles permitted, my dude. Just DICK, DICK, DICK


Communal Living by PolkaDotMama: Chaps. 7-8
WARNING: more of the same
ED!ward x Jas!hole x Omelet x CatDaddy!Carlisle

Call me SpongeBob, stackin' crabby patties. Bitch, I go to work. Do my Cat Daddy. Cat Daddy, Cat Daddy, Cat Daddy, Cat Daddy (bitch, I go to work).

That's what we wish this story was about.





Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction
Seven by Estora
Communal Living by PolkaDotMama

consensual man on man rape

Let's get ready to ruuuuuumbbbllleee..... for safety!
Feast your asses on this sumptuous revelry. The gods delight in them and so too shall you.

Courage by MyTwiDreams 
WARNING: regrettable tattoos, salacious, slimy vagina, hurt/comfort, cloyingly sweet child used as plot device to get characters back together, Mexican hookers with AIDS
Jas!hole x Jerk!ward x lovelessmarriagechild!Riley

Mama, don't ooo wuv daddy no more?
Ends with the couple in a heated embrace, while the tike looks on in unnatural satisfaction, slithering up the duvet like the proverbial Grinch to the Christmas tree hoping against hope to be the filling in a vanilla cookie sandwich.


Reverse Psychology by sisterglitch 
WARNING: corporal punishment, Burch tree splinters, aggressive humiliation, father's teaching sons, soft tears of shame, soothing hugs & sweet nothings
Daddy!Carlisle x ED!Bitchward x Jas!hole x Omelet

Don't make Carlisle turn this car around! Emmett dogs his "younger" brother's jock after a morning of antiquing with dad and "the boys." Edward, witheringly affectionless miser that he is, has a sexual identity crisis resulting in a decidedly rapey off road beating, not because he did anything wrong, but because he is the weakest and smallest of his clan. At some point it becomes impossible to distinguish one's sweat from one's tears, but we're not complaining.




Courage by MyTwiDreams
Reverse Psychology by sisterglitch

holigays

HAPPY 
BIRTHDAY 
JESUS
Tonight we're gunna party like it's an educated guess somewhere between 6 and 4 BC. Give or take a century.

It isn't looking like we are going to be graced with a white Christmas this year. Today it was an unseasonable 55 degrees with a chance of lower back sweat in gay ol' Manhattan. But fret not, gentle Whovilians, our spirits have not been dimmed. He is the reason for the season after all, and the greatest gift and honor is having Him for a daughter. On this, the holiest of holidays, we have assembled an episode invigorated with yuletide tenor not seen since the days of yore, and also the traditionally rigid, passive aggressive, green bean casserole of familial togetherness, of course. We certainly hope you've all been good this year. If not, yule be sorry you missed out!
Recently, the Twilight Kink Fest came to a close and we have selected two Christmas miracles to share that shone through the competition like the face of the virgin Mother on a slice of hole(y) grain toast.

What Forever Means by rmhale
WARNING: condomless, godless, senseless, AIDS-less buttsexing
Jas!hole x Pe!tard

When one-eye meets brown-eye, worlds collide.

Prompt: "Barebacking. Slash only. What I'd like is a marathon fuck fest of bareback sex. I'm not at all opposed to romance being included, but more than anything, I want to see Guy A desperate to fill Guy B up until he is an exhausted, fucked-out, filthy mess, and Guy B is loving every minute of it."

Communal Living by PolkaDotMama: Chaps. 1 & 2
WARNING: self righteous, self-sexualizing philosophy and gender studies double majors playing house in the woods
v.card!ward x Jas!hole x Dr.Dad!Carlyle x Omelet

Young, virginal Edward Masen is confused. He likes dick, he liked pussy at one point, but can't decide if it is okay to like both at the same time. He has just received his golden ticket to the gates of Lambda Gardens, a safe, judgement free space for rapists and sexual bullies masquerading as hippies. Now Edward spends his days toiling away with sweaty, fuzzy lesbians fixing cars and knitting tree-trade, locally grown leg hair beer koozies. At night, the gut butcher minces over to make poundcake while the manhole inspector digs ditches in the backyard.

Prompt: "Jasper can't take Edward's sexual frustration any longer. He takes matters into his own hands and decides to relieve Edward of his virginity... he didn't expect Emmett and Carlisle to participate too. they each take a turn with him, bet he gets his back when one (or all) of them become his bottom. First time, toy play, rimming, felching, snowballing, withholding orgasm."

What Forever Means by rmhale

Communal Living by PolkaDotMama

face punch...FROM HELL

Explore the chilling legend of pain and anguish as your ears succumb to the petrifying tales of Cullen The Kettle Black - Halloween edition! 


Isla de Cullen: Chap. 9 (cont.)

WARNING: the disembowelment of young Bella's virtue, D/S themes, May/December relationships

Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a. Take!ward x Little!Bella) x voyeuristic Jas!hole

Covet!ward blows his load. 

Three Pigs by Holly1980

WARNING: women of loose morals, loose kegel muscles, and even looser reasoning skills, participation in pagan rituals, sex-negative mormon demons 

Edward x Bella  Alice x Jas!hole Rose x Emmett x mute!farm!hand!Riley

Bored with the monotony of drunken pussy flashing and the lack of service in da club, Bella Swan decides that this Halloween will be different. Convincing her gal pals, Alice and Rosalie, to join her at the Cullen Country Farm Halloween Hay Ride, the girls are swept up in a spooktacular fright of family fun and old farmer Cullen's bevvy of super sexual sons. Choosing to ignore these signs of the devil three - pig races (cloven hooves), pumpkin picking (Jack of The Lantern's Wandering Soul), and zip lining (only assholes zip line) - the girls become quite taken with these slut shaming Mormons of the damned. Unfortunately, no one told them that nothing good happens on Halloween.

Going Solo by Sperks00

WARNING: B.A.B - babies are BORING, 

hairypalmed!Emmett x Edward x Dr.Dad!Carlisle


Since Edward has nothing better to do, like raise his child, so he goes over to his neighbor's to yummy down on Emmett's throbbing hot pole of man chicken. Giving it "Diff'rent Strokes" like Arnold Drummond, a wild Carlisle appears to wiggledunk his son's purple starfish. So escargot, Dr. Dad knows when his little snails need Frenching. Wax on, wax off. 

Isa De Cullen by CaraNo

Three Pigs by Holly1980

Going Solo by Sperks00

Heavenly Delights

BEHOLD. It has arrived on the whispers of an angel's wing, The Cullen The Kettle Black web comic site!!

The Gods delight in it and so too shall YOU!

Kernel Cornelius Cornhole

Holy baloney colonic, Batman! Yes, it's that time again. The time when we bend some ham down on Bosco Boulevard. Once more our collective dude-erus's shall overfloweth with riches of duck butter for our morning toast.

We could blame whoricane Irene or Labor Day for our extended absence, but really it was just the lazy, and deadly, sin of sloth keeping us from pooting out eraudiophelic love letters for all of your sweet, angelic, anglo faces.

We do, however, have a couple of announcements to razz your berries. Cullen the Kettle Black is now on twitter under the handle @_ctkblk!! Discerning followers will find vampire/Twilight-centric gems, crude doodlings, and many full-bellied laughs. Speaking of non-sequitors, we will soon launch the Cullen The Kettle Black web comic site for our Twilight-inspired drawings!!1!11 (they came before the chicken AND the egg)

Uncontrolled Frustration by reading is my addiction: Chaps. 1-4
WARNING: slash, incestrophelia, corporal punishment, familial hurt/comfort, soothing back rubs
Daddy!Carlisle x ED!Bitchward x PowerBottom!Emmett x Ineffectual!Jas!hole

E.D.ward strikes again. Having fought with Bella about her relationship with sistie/bestie Jacob Black, Edward returns home shamefully aroused and spoiling for a good man wrestle. Provoked by Emmett into a quick game of sword-crossing tickle-fight the boys are soon discovered by Carlisle. What comes next is a incesterbation spank-a-thon leaving readers with a confused and uncomfortable feeling similar to when you happen to sit in the one inexplicably hot subway seat next to your creepy uncle who then begins to stroke your knee lovingly, if somewhat roughly.

Uncontrolled Frustration by reading is my addiction

Introducing the title theme to Breaking Dawn pt.1: 
"I don't wanna be a crappy housewife"

Pretzel Pan Blue-Finger, M.D.

Come little monsters, raise your paws up in the shape of a dick. We're back after an extended vaca(y) to bring you the GAY PRIDE EDITION of Cullen The Kettle Black!! But that's not all, the author of this spicy fart bubble is the illusive, rare unicorn of fanfuckery -- A BIOLOGICAL MALE.


"Judas Manifesto is my pseudonym." WUT!? Get out of town!1!!!11!! 
"My real name is Brandyn M, just in case you were wondering. My most popular name seems to be "B Man"..." From G-D's ass (never take His name in vain!) to our glass table riches abound. 



Strictly Sexual by Judas Manifesto
WARNING: fire sale, gay homosexual anal intercourse, b-hole cream pies, and a general lack of knowledge on the topics of anatomy, physiology, bi-ology, and Scientology.
Backass!Ward x Jas!Hole x Horsecock!Emmett

Edward didn't start the fire, but there were three things about which he was absolutely certain; first, that it was always burning since the world was turning. Second, there was a part of him, and he wasn't sure how dominant that part was, which blamed the fumes of that fire for his flaming gayness, and third, he was unconditionally and irrevocably a twat.

Strictly Sexual by Judas Manifesto