Sexual Gelflings

Call us Baskin Throbbin', because we have 50 flavors of nonconsensual activity coming at your face!


But hey, you were asking for it.


More from the Batter of the Sexes this time on Cullen the Kettle Black as our heroine, Bella Swan, desperately tries to navigate her way out of the soggy paper bag that is her relationship with Edward Anthony Christian Mason Cullen-Grey ESQUIRE.


When she's not colliding face-first into sliding doors, Miss Swan ponders the illegality of human slavery, accepts extravagant gifts from strange men, and uses her feminine wiles to warm the cockles of Edward's heart.


To further their totes healthy discussion of limits and consent, Edward gives Bella the gift of a redundantly expensive laptop, delivered to her apartment by some nerd whose only purpose is to provide the Greek Chorus to Edward Cullen's improbable wealth.


Since apparently Ms. Swan used a time machine to reach the Year of Our Lord 2012, she has never owned a computer and if left to her own devices would have cracked the new gadget open on a rock and consumed its soft innards.


Once the tricky business of opening a browser is out of the way, Bella is free to peruse the internet for more info on D/S relationships, mostly by typing "Why?" into Yahoo Answers and waiting.

Bella's lack of technological knowledge, while impressive, is rivaled only by Edward's ignorance of the female body. Both their approaches seem to be just to mash buttons wildly until they get their way, and for being a depraved kinky sex god, Edward Cullen's sex technique is like Mr. Bean in a china shop full of dildos.

In one of the more horrifying date-rape-portrayed-as-kink moments so far, we end the chapter with the worst break-in/make-up sex scene ever written with Bella playing the Cindy Lou-Hoo to Edward's sexual Grinch.

Unfortunately in the eyes of the law it is impossible to rape the willing... So even when he's coercing an insecure, brain-dead girl into sex, Edward won't ever be a candidate for the chemical castration he so richly deserves.

OH MY...
IT'S...

Master of the Universe by Icy Hot: Chaps. 19-25


If you would like to provide your own musical accompaniment to this stellar performance of Master of the Universe, pop on over to Icy Hot's OFFICIAL PLAYLIST (sooooo, nothing like SMeyer then, right?). Featuring such timeless humpa-thumpa butt-grinders as "Toxic" by B.Spears, "Witchcraft" by Frank Sinatra, and "Sperm in Aluminum" by Harry Christopher's Turning Sixteen. Also click on the video below to see sexual, chubby cheeked perma-tween Selena Gomez play Anastasia in Funny or Die's version of 50 Shades. It is a little more die than funny, but it's kinda refreshing to see that not everyone is in on this Walmart on Black Friday style sprint to the finish.



Introducing the hit new addition to the Fifty Shades of Grey product line -- the Fifty Shades TRADING CARD GAME! The greatest game ever made. Strategize on how to best manipulate relative strangers and future lovers into non-consensual, compromising, sexual situations and then shame them hideously for it! Complicated, heavily worded contracts and non disclosure agreements make the rules of this game almost impossible to understand! You will be too dizzy from being dick slapped with legally non-binding, circular logic to remember what you're talking about, who you came to the party with, what's in your butt, and whose turn it is to roll. YOU WILL FORGET HOW TO USE A COMPUTER, EMAIL, OR HOW TO CALL 911. Collect all 50!

poonishment

What ho, what ho, what ho!! Here we are in a brand new year, clean slates and all, but curiously enough the fics are still just as shitty as ever.


Isla De Cullen: Chap. 24
WARNING: D/S, May/December relationships, diamonds, Tiffany's, and struffoli
CourtneyStodden!Bella x DougHutchison!Edward

Edward spreads his butt cheeks. They are pulled apart so just the air leaks. With a sputtering squeal eking through the ring of muscle like a deflating balloon into the night he whispers, "Happy New Year" to the barely legal teen he so adores. Set to the score of the New Year's Eve movie.


Breaking Dawn Sex Scene by Broken-bella22
WARNING: overly amorous newly weds
ED!ward x Bella

<----- gross and rude.

On to lucky number 3... unless you're Dale Earnhardt.

ME IS NO MORE by Broken-bella22
WARNING: based on a true story, rape, betrayal
rape!cob x S.V.U!bella

Jacob is sadly misinformed about what really goes on at a girl's slumber party.

In other newsy type stuff, the Twi-turds have had their twats flapping in the wind recently over the controversial publishing, and possibly movie, deal offered to one Snowqueen's IceDragon for her fanfiction called Master of the Universe. Though other fanfictions have received similar offers, don't ask us why, the offer seemed to rub most everyone the wrong way and in a hilariously embarrassing turn of events, the author sharted a bunch of fucked up word vomit, which you can read here, Mean Girls style about the fandom in general to a fic writing buddy over private messaging and it was leaked. Unfortunately for her, not only is she a bad writer who has lost all her internet friends, she is also incredibly misinformed on the ART of plagiarism. By which we mean all the incriminating shit from her fanfic found its way into her manuscript for publishing, i.e. paraphrasing actual conversations between characters in the books, adopting popular character catch phrases, locations, and occupations of characters within the books. Long story short, looks like SMeyer has been wise to this girl's games for some time and plans to sue her upon the release of the book. Frowny Faaaaaaace. Anyways, we read MOTU and it was 900 pages of bad and horrible. It was just like Isla de Cullen if you exchange the island for a mommy issues metaphor and make the sex even less attractive, if one can imagine such a world. The fanfic has been removed from the internet since the publishing deal was announced, but if you would like own a piece of fanfiction history in high-quality PDF click here.

Isla de Cullen by CaraNo
Breaking Dawn Sex Scene by Broken-bella22
ME IS NO MORE by Broken-bella22

face punch...FROM HELL

Explore the chilling legend of pain and anguish as your ears succumb to the petrifying tales of Cullen The Kettle Black - Halloween edition! 


Isla de Cullen: Chap. 9 (cont.)

WARNING: the disembowelment of young Bella's virtue, D/S themes, May/December relationships

Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a. Take!ward x Little!Bella) x voyeuristic Jas!hole

Covet!ward blows his load. 

Three Pigs by Holly1980

WARNING: women of loose morals, loose kegel muscles, and even looser reasoning skills, participation in pagan rituals, sex-negative mormon demons 

Edward x Bella  Alice x Jas!hole Rose x Emmett x mute!farm!hand!Riley

Bored with the monotony of drunken pussy flashing and the lack of service in da club, Bella Swan decides that this Halloween will be different. Convincing her gal pals, Alice and Rosalie, to join her at the Cullen Country Farm Halloween Hay Ride, the girls are swept up in a spooktacular fright of family fun and old farmer Cullen's bevvy of super sexual sons. Choosing to ignore these signs of the devil three - pig races (cloven hooves), pumpkin picking (Jack of The Lantern's Wandering Soul), and zip lining (only assholes zip line) - the girls become quite taken with these slut shaming Mormons of the damned. Unfortunately, no one told them that nothing good happens on Halloween.

Going Solo by Sperks00

WARNING: B.A.B - babies are BORING, 

hairypalmed!Emmett x Edward x Dr.Dad!Carlisle


Since Edward has nothing better to do, like raise his child, so he goes over to his neighbor's to yummy down on Emmett's throbbing hot pole of man chicken. Giving it "Diff'rent Strokes" like Arnold Drummond, a wild Carlisle appears to wiggledunk his son's purple starfish. So escargot, Dr. Dad knows when his little snails need Frenching. Wax on, wax off. 

Isa De Cullen by CaraNo

Three Pigs by Holly1980

Going Solo by Sperks00

Iku-Iku

Okaerinasai! This weekend was both New York Comic Con and New York Anime Fest. As such, we felt it was only appropriate to deliver the sink tingling conclusion of I Found Love Akon 22. We will also be reading more of Isla De Cullen featuring a special GUEST READER. OOO the suspense! Hoo could it b?!
If you haven't done so yet, check out the webcomic site. It is constantly being updated with hilarious new items. We can also be found on twitter @_ctkblk.




I Found Love Akon 22: Part 2
WARNING: KAMEHAMEHAAA, nyah, nyahhh, meow, tingling sinks
Jacob!uke x Sam!seme
**our selection for WINNER of the SlashBackSlash 3.0 Contest**
Suki, suki, only 10 dolla'! MASAGA?!?!11!! Ureshii bishonen butsekz, yatta!! J-rocker-sempai shoves it in tomodachi. Itadakimasu! Love you long time- O.K. bye-bye!!


If anyone cares, this is what the future Mrs. Seth Clearwater, Rin Okumura, looks like. A sexual demon approaches.


Isla de Cullen: Chap. 9
WARNING: the disembowelment of young Bella's virtue, D/S themes, May/December relationships
Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a. Take!ward x Little!Bella) x voyeuristic Jas!hole


Covet!ward finally seals the deal. ARGH, ARGH, ARGH. Yuuup, burping the worm in the mole hole. A bit of the ol' bump 'n grind... talkin' 'bout sex. 

I Found Love Akon 22 by LovelyBeba

Isa De Cullen by CaraNo

Tender Rape

art by sugarpoultry

Time for some homespun grab-assed tomfoolery, but first we would like to remind everyone that we have launched the WEBCOMIC and we are now on twitter under the handle @_ctkblk


Uncontrolled Frustration: Chaps. 5-7
WARNING: slash, incestrophelia, corporal punishment, familial hurl/comfort, soothing back rubs, blazing bottoms, disregard for the fifth commandment
Daddy!Carlisle x ED!Bitchward

Emmett has received his punishment and now it is Edward's turn. Daddy bear Carlisle is displeased by Bitter Betty Edward's 'tude and serves up a full-service, erotically humiliating cuddle rape 'n run.

I Found Love Akon 22 by LovelyBeba
WARNING: RYOKOOOOOOOO, SUP'A KAWAII, way over prices, slutty raver vogue
Jacob!chan x Sam!sama
**our selection for WINNER of the SlashBackSlash 3.0 Contest**

NANI?!!1?? During their annual trip to Project Akon, Jacob finds love in the deep chocolate and chisel of a mysterious masked J-Rocker.

Uncontrolled Frustration by reading is my addiction
I Found Love Akon 22 by LovelyBeba

cockblockalypse

Isla de Cullen: Chaps. 6-7
WARNING: Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's manatee.
Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a Take!ward x Little!Bella) x Eternally!Vivacious!Manatees

You may be wondering wut happened in chapter 5? The same ill-conceived ball slapping that has been happening since chapter 1.

As Covet!ward and Jas!hole continue to vaingloriously fap over their tag-team Mentalist-style puppetry of Bella's maidenhood, we discover that Edward is in all actuality the afghan hound to Bella's turkey. Both are exceptionally stupid animals for their species.                                      
                                                                                                       Isla de Cullen by CaraNo

Know Thyself by Melooza
WARNING: Sick freaks getting their freak on in a freaky way. Also, homosexual social mustache preening.
Sweaty!Nervous!Fatty!J.Jenks x Good ol' boy!Charlie

Shame fisted by Jesus into a life of vaginomics, Charlie Swan, small town cop, thinks there could be more to life than awkward heterosexual corn dog eating. One fateful night, the magical romance of fresh homicide introduces Chief Swan to the man of his wildest salad tossing wet dreams, detective J. Jenks.

Know Thyself by Melooza

fug-diddly-umptious

Isla de Cullen by CaraNo: Chaps. 3&4
WARNING: exquisitely flawless, glistening, pure, ripe virginal maidens, D/S May/December relationships
Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a Take!ward x Little!Bella) also featuring Ghost!plane & the sensually rustling winds of change

Be informed that we will be starting with chapter 3, because porn helps to sooth the pain. Here is a brief summary of chapters 1 & 2 so that your world will still be round and toilets will still flush clockwise.

Bella, 18, bored rich girl who is only shown love through the hot shame of Uncle Sam making it rain from her parent's bank account decides to spend the holidays with her friend Alice, also 18, also bored and rich, on the exclusive, private island of family friend, Mr. Edward Cullen, 37. In a desperate attempt to fill the icebox where her heart used to be, Bella finds solace as PURE, the fetish model with a hymen of gold.
Mr Cullen, the verbose douchebag posing as a BDSM dominant, takes to young Bella like a hog to truffles, and it's... could it be.... love?
BUT WAIT! Edward's BFF is like totally Bella's BFF's BF. The tangles web is woved, and it's a wild, cum- gargling ride from then on as Bella and Edward try to juggle business, pleasure, and Edward's testicles.

For a more robust user experience, we recommend the Isla de Cullen BLOG. There is some pretty exquisite fan art. 

BORE-IGIN STORY -- all the background you never cared about.

Isla de Cullen by CaraNo