shit-pants burp-taste

Gather 'round you friends of mine, we're wilderness girls and it's cookie time!
COOKIE TIME
COOKIE TIME

Oops, it's 2013, it's April, and it's our 2 year anniver-sorry! In true Cullen style, this calls for a grand gesture that no one asked for. We offer the gift, the touch, the feel of cotton in the form of this fagtastic Alexander Henry "Not-Twilight" pillow! The fabric of our lives.



Dusty by Yellowbella Sap Sucker: Chap. 11
WARNING: Nazi gold, Christmas explosions, hot needy knots, and twisting tingle knots.
chode!ward x izzy-bizzy-belly-bliss!ella
Jas!hole x ally-pally-pudding-pie!lice

Once you eliminate the impossible, all you have left is the improbable... or something. Probably. On the other hand, you might just get left with Dusty. If Dusty were one of Sophie's choices, she would have said "nah, I'm cool. Fucking bye." Fortunately for that metaphor, it also has a subliminal Aryan supremacy narrative... we think. Anyway, everyone is blond and big-boned.

Dusty, for the uninitiated, is the High School AU that has REVOLUTIONIZED fanfiction as we earthlings know it.... How can this be?  I hear you cry. I thought fanfiction was, at best, fun literary masturbation, at worst, hackneyed nightmare porno shit written by Cosmo interns! YOU'D BE WRONG. This jewel of writing, with its gripping portrayal of insipid teen love, is what all of human history has been preparing us for... and if you disagree, the internet tween-porn thought police will cyber-bully you to suicide.


...and in related news:

CISPA: The Future of Your Privacy and Why You Should Care

Dear Citizens of the World and the Internet at Large,

CISPA is back! It recently passed the house and is moving on to the senate. If you do not know what will happen to you if this "protection" measure becomes law, pop a squat and learn you some. Your porn browsing history will be glad you did.

CISPA allows private businesses and federal agencies the ability to share cybersecurity information with each other. The language currently allows for the sharing of information so long as it is for cybersecurity purposes, but we all really know that the wording is a vague, wide, banquet table-clearing cock sweep that would permit communications service providers to share your emails and text messages WITHOUT A WARRANT. They are even providing special incentives and protections for companies to report. So, Facebook, Twitter, Google, Tumblr, etc., all these sites you use every day will be turned against you. AT&T has already started fapping over your sexts.

Fight For the Future has listed half a dozen points that highlight the issues with CISPA:

1. It lets the government spy on you without a warrant
2. It makes it so you can't even find out about said warrant-less spying until after the fact
3. It makes it so companies cannot be sued when they do illegal things with your data
4. It allows companies to cyber-attack each other and individuals outside of the law
5. It makes every privacy policy on the web a moot point, and is a complete violation of your  4th amendment rights
6. When opponents say that your information can be shared with "The Government" it is not hyperbole. Federal Agencies from the Fish & Wildlife Service to Amtrak to the NSA could access your data, again, WITHOUT A WARRANT

Just like with SOPA, ACTA, and CETA we MUST come together to defeat CISPA once and for all. This bill affects everyone - not just U.S. citizens. Anyone with a Facebook account could now have their data directly handed to the U.S. government. That's why everyone should overwhelmingly oppose this bill. CISPA threatens our most basic rights. Privacy is important not just for our security but for our rights to freedom of expression.

So, what can you do? Head over to cispaisback.org and SitesNotSpies.org, sign the petitions, contact your politicians, and urge others to do the same!

homo for the holigays

Ho, ho, hoooooly shit! We've returned with an interfaith spectacular to jingle your bellas. Tales of holiday cheer will be slowly revealed to you in a teasing, sensual manner by the emaciated, clammy, arthritic, pincer-like hand claws of Christmas past, present, and future.

We don't know about ya'll pagans, but our nipples are bleeding in stigmata-inspired religious transcendence at the prospect of such unspeakable joy.

New Year's Seductions by ventura.ivs
WARNING: fortune cookie foreplay, fem slash
fucking!lauren x bicurious!bella

You can't change a horse mid stream. A gentlemen is one who puts half his weight on elbows. Your lucky numbers: 4, 68, 90, 12, killyourself

The True Meaning of Christmas by MadAsAHatter37
WARNING: underage native american werewolves being fed alcohol, poppers, and compliments by older, affluent white men.
tocatchah!Carlisle x Scruge!ward x rape!cob

Edward Cullen, once a great believer in the traditional American Christmas, has shied from the sour teet of Kris Kringle. Growing despondent, as perpetual seventeen-year-olds are prone to do, Edward now believes Christmas to be a "Hallmark Holiday" conceived by the liberal agenda and perpetuated by the bargain-starved lower-classes to pervert God and country. Carlisile, the world's most misunderstood white woman,  wants his son to be reminded of the true-true spirit of the holidays. Unfortunately, bad boys like Edward only get one thing from Santa. Gang raped by their fathers and girlfriend's best friends.

Emmett's Hannukah Challenge by lexiecullen17
WARNING: gurl.
Dr.Dad!Carlisle x ED!ward x boring!bella

Oye vey Maria. Lounging in his home office reading a medical journal and rubbing his socked feet together while Dr. Phil plays on mute in the background, Carlisle's asshole begins to twitch and flutter. Sensing that his son is again in need of his help, Carlisle spits his gum and gets to work. This story leaves you with the sad aftertaste of a manischewitz hangover. Mazel Tov!





New Year's Seductions by ventura.ivs
The True Meaning of Christmas by MadAsAHatter37
Emmett's Hannukah Challenge by lexiecullen17

Pavlov's Dougie

Word to yo virgin mama, Mary! Slap a ham to the savory gams of our salivary lord and savior while rallying 'round the puckered rosette of holiest light.
Give thanks to the celestial turkey (approximately 3 minutes per pound) who sacrifices himself each year for the negligible sins of eradicating most of North America's indigenous peoples and also for not tipping 20% base on dinner checks in urban areas, though it is common knowledge that the cost of living is higher. In his name we prey on our fellow man, uh, men. Yay, God.

Gay For Pay by EdwardsMate4Ever
WARNING: wet, gaping holes for indiscriminate pleasure taking, droppin' hundos
tocatchah!Carlisle x lolita!ward

Like a modern fairy tale featuring Julia Roberts, Carlisle picked up a hooker that was sweatin' gallons through a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs, some flip flops, and one of them Fonzerelli style t-shirts. Later that night Carlisle lost himself to a hot, ready hole, sparse teen chest hair, and a selfish bedside manner. His name was Edward.

A Son's Right of Passage by Mia-63: Chaps. 1-4
WARNING: corporal punishment, hurt/comfort, extreme self-loathing, high school timezzz
daddy!Carlisle x victorianjerk!ward

So many demons, so little time. Cats, money, sex, three pints of damn, and a chaser of hell blast, that Edward Cullen is at it again! Much like the blue people from Avatar, Edward has the ability to mind meld with any old human he can get his ponytail wrapped around. Unfortunately for Edward, the only thing he will be connecting with is the business end of an unforgiving ass beating to break the very marble hand of Zeus.





Calling all the basic bitches, calling all the basic bitches, there is a new announcement. If you liked Breaking Dawn, you're basic. Your Honor, if it pleases the court, we offer our review of Broken Down, part douche, into evidence. If the court is displeased, submit it anyways.





Gay For Pay by EdwardsMate4Ever
A Son's Rite of Passage by Mia-63

fractured phalluses & broken hearts

Good God, Get a Goddamn Grip Girl.

We know which side our bread is buttered on! Since everyone knows CTKB is all about hard hitting investigative journalism, it's time for some irrelevant months-old news! Your worldview may have been thrown into chaos not so recently after US Weekly published some pictures of Kristin making out with Rupert Sanders, her gross SWATH director (We would have picked his son, Tennyson). In response to Kristin's Craig's List sidewalk sale cock encounter, fans took to their twitter and tumblr accounts in a slut-shaming, sex negative rage, carrying on like a bunch of betrayed housewives.

Fast forward to now, the clouds have parted and good news is shining down, warming the earth, and beginning to dry the banks that were once over-flown with tears. Rob has forgiven Kristin, and Taylor, since he no longer has to pick sides, has resumed his rightful position as Kristin's best gal pal. Balance to the universe has been restored! Whoopie!


So yeah, that's a thing. We prescribe suicide, but if you cannot afford it, the 5 G's will do.

For a second there, we thought the Aztec's might have been right about the whole 2012 thing. But then again, Rob is a Taurus and she's an Aries... HAHA. JUST KIDDING. How can you really believe in that stuff? What a medieval alchemist baby!

ON!WARD to teh pronz!

Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction: Chaps. 14-16
WARNING: There is many a slip between the cup and the lip.
Jas!hole x Sped!ward

0H my G0SH! Famous Lady Gaga Puts his vagina in Her GF tight pussy. Now at GagaOral.way.to Have a Seat and watch links!! Bad Romance. Bad Writing. Bad Fanfic.
Freed from the cavernous moisture of unwanted puss, our hero is free to flap his balls in the winds of fate. Will a gentle zephyr that is Edward Cullen fill his holes with wind, or will his short time on this earth be cut short by chronic workplace masturbation? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

PNP Power Bottom

Dear Europe, Canada, and the internet at large,

Earlier this year we posted about SOPA; a dangerous anti-net neutrality law that could have destroyed the internet as we know it. SOPA, thanks to the combined efforts of the internet and citizens of the United States, was defeated. Now, a new threat is on the horizon and it is your turn, Canada and Europe, to take a stand and protect your rights from your politicians, committees, and the greedy corporations seeking to profit from stripping you of your rights.

ACTA, a.k.a European SOPA, the Anti Counterfitting Trade Agreement, is another highly dangerous threat to your rights and net neutrality. It has been kicking around for almost as long as SOPA (so late last year basically), and was recently thought to be at a stand-still since being rejected by Europe Union. Unfortunately, it now looks like Canada and The European Commission, a group of self-appointed, unelected technocrats lining the pockets of multinational corporations, are not taking no for an answer. According to some sensitive documents that were leaked (thank you internet for doing what you do), it looks like this panel of super douches will use CETA, the Canada - EU Trade Agreement, as a back door to sneak all these over-reaching and damaging provisions over the boarder into law.

ACTA is every bit as damaging to the internet at large as SOPA would have been. ANY SHARED CONTENT THAT YOU DO NOT EXPRESSLY OWN COULD MAKE YOU A POTENTIAL CRIMINAL. ACTA is a pact between countries to ensure that copywriten content, no mater how loosely defined, cannot be shared outside of their country of origin. We already see this happening on YouTube, Google rankings and search, as well as some music sharing sites. If ACTA passes, there will be NO MORE FANFICTIONS, NO MORE IMAGE GALLERIES, NO MORE FANDOM NEWS SOURCE SHARING. NOTHING.

As I have said before, I do not care if you don't think of yourself as political, that you don't care about your rights, get all your downloads legally, that you're too young to vote, don't have time to vote, don't live in Europe or Canada -- THIS IS THE FUCKING INTERNET. Everyone knows someone, who knows someone, who dated someone, who was a foreign exchange student, who met online, who dated online, who masturbated to fanfiction. Reach out to your fellow fans, people you know outside the fandom, your politicians, friends, family, co-works, and tell them you will not stand for any suppression of your rights.


Be sure to check out the video below for a cut and dry explanation of ACTA and inform yourselves on what is really going on. You can also click here to see what was in the original ACTA agreement verses what the commission is trying to tag onto CETA (spoiler alert: not much different).




Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming...


120 Shades of Grey by Jarrod Shanahan

WARNING: libertines, crossover, actually witty, BDSM themes, D/S themes

Marquis De Cullen x E.L. Swan
A hilarious 120 Days of Sodom/50 Shades of Grey mashed potato.


Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction: Chaps. 8-10 ... maybe? Whatever.
WARNING: slash, melodrama, ironic misogyny, pubic hair shaming, maneurysm
DanielTosh!ward x Jas!hole

Out of the darkest jungles of moist pubic hair stalks the latest installment of Boys and Their Toys, straight from Edward Cullen's fantasies to your nightmares.  Muscular men beat a primal tattoo with their flaming cocks as you use your double-ended dildo to machete through underbrush.




120 Shades of Grey by Jarrod Shanahan
Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction




Sources: http://boingboing.net/?p=170057
              http://www.michaelgeist.ca/content/view/6580/135/

pissy jizz flaps

PRIDE - a deeper love! Happy Pride/4th of July/Summer Solstice to our adoring pube-lick the world over.

We come bearing some pretty fantastically overcooked crap snacks to be picked over, in part, by porn vultures like you. One of which was written by the much fabled fanfiction unicorn, a BIOLOGICAL male! Don't say we never gave you anything.

A King's Affection by M.B. Massin (a.k.a. Judas Manifesto): Chaps. 1-3
WARNING: glaring historical inaccuracies, sexually precocious princes, fine Egyptian John Linens
Greek!ward x Jas!hole (eventually)

Welcome to the thunderdome! This homer-erotic epic chronicles the Japanese game show-style Olympian grab-ass games in which house-elves, Jasperous and Isabellaous battle to the death in typical jello wrestling Greek custom to win the fickle favor of the usurping bisexual butt slurp, Edwardicous Culleanious.

Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction: Chaps. 4-7
WARNING: butt-sex elitists, dogs licking piss off stinging nettles, women hating, slash, inappropriate work place masturbation, grilling steaks
Jas!hole x ED!ward

While the emasculating, hairy, steamy jungle cunt is pickling (?) the boys will play... at Edward Cullen's COCK PALACE. Get your ASSHOLE flooded with JIZZ, JIZZ, JIZZ. Have every other available orifice wedged open with vibrating industrial clamps, stuffing your gaping, hungry, spasming holes with probes, beads, tops, whirly gigs, pinwheels, roman candles, and other sensual tchotchkes. Only at Edward Cullen's COCK PALACE. HE DOESN'T EVEN WORK HERE. Edward Cullen's COCK PALACE. Dudes ONLY.





A King's Affection by M.B. Massin
Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction

GOD BLESS...

Cat Daddy

Happy Extremely Belated First Anniversary, Internet. On this untimely celebration of what we ASS=u+me was the most auspicious of occasions, our paper anniversary, we have had something especially printed for you all. Feast your asses on this TWILIGHT TOILET PAPER(available here if you realllllly want it)!

Also, a very happy Cinco de Mayo to all our Mexi-CANS. Thanks for butt-fucking up Napoleon's plans and inadvertently crushing the Southern troupes from within. You saved us from having to deal with France as a super douche power nation. International high fives all around.

Seven by Estoria:
WARNING: harvest time, child brides
Rape!cob x Jack!Resnesmee (thumbs up if you remember the movie Jack)

Young, dumb, and full of spiders, Jacob Black sits numbly before a jury of his peers awaiting what he is sure will be a guilty verdict. His attorney had gone for a the hail mary "Dog Years" defense. He wasn't convinced it was going to work, but "if the muzzle doesn't fit, you must acquit!" Renesmee Cullen might have turned a sexy, salivating seven years old in human years that day, but that's still 44 in dog years if she were a small breed. The judge emerges from his chamber of secrets and the court rises to receive the verdict.

Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction: Chap. 2? Maybe? Who cares.
WARNING: righteous sex positive indignation, slimy pussy jungles
ED!ward x Jas!hole x Maggie

Here at Edward Cullen's COCK PALACE you get two in every hole. No fuzzy cunt pickles permitted, my dude. Just DICK, DICK, DICK


Communal Living by PolkaDotMama: Chaps. 7-8
WARNING: more of the same
ED!ward x Jas!hole x Omelet x CatDaddy!Carlisle

Call me SpongeBob, stackin' crabby patties. Bitch, I go to work. Do my Cat Daddy. Cat Daddy, Cat Daddy, Cat Daddy, Cat Daddy (bitch, I go to work).

That's what we wish this story was about.





Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction
Seven by Estora
Communal Living by PolkaDotMama

Amature nipple fumbling

Happy Easter and a hearty welcome back to the most precious Christian treasures of our hearts, we've returned at long last to tickle the ivories of internet pronz. But first, a word from our sponsors...

In recent news, the fight for king of bat shit crazy mountain gets a bit steeper as the sentencing of the "Twilight Rapist" is set to commence, which you can read all about here, while in the mean time, 5 Million Shades of Disappointment has been picked up by Random House for reprint and shopped by Universal Studios for a $5 million, three-movie deal. So in honor of her success, we have decided to present you all with another selection from Master of The Universe.

Master of The Universe by Snow Queen's Ice Dragon: Chaps. 12-16

WARNING: D/S relationships, hoass, bourgeois home decorating, architecture porn, fine wines, terrible company, we smell a sitcom, #dreamscometrue 

Christian!ward x Anastasia!GeorgeTekai!ella

A soft "oh my" is uttered into the mirror as George studies his reflection carefully. George is about to DO IT with Edward Fucking Cullen! He is scared, nervous, and excited all at once. "What will it be like?" George wonders to himself, subconsciously touching his soft, wavy hair. Will he change? Will he look noticeably different to his peers? What about his parents? He had heard stories from the other girls at school that after they had done it the first time, their mothers knew right away. The other girls at school also said it was painful, but George was sure Edward would never hurt him. It would be the best night of his life.



CHECK HERE FOR A PERMANENT LINK TO MOTU

A slightly different version of the "Hi, my name is Joe!" song that MOST OF US learned as kids.

poonishment

What ho, what ho, what ho!! Here we are in a brand new year, clean slates and all, but curiously enough the fics are still just as shitty as ever.


Isla De Cullen: Chap. 24
WARNING: D/S, May/December relationships, diamonds, Tiffany's, and struffoli
CourtneyStodden!Bella x DougHutchison!Edward

Edward spreads his butt cheeks. They are pulled apart so just the air leaks. With a sputtering squeal eking through the ring of muscle like a deflating balloon into the night he whispers, "Happy New Year" to the barely legal teen he so adores. Set to the score of the New Year's Eve movie.


Breaking Dawn Sex Scene by Broken-bella22
WARNING: overly amorous newly weds
ED!ward x Bella

<----- gross and rude.

On to lucky number 3... unless you're Dale Earnhardt.

ME IS NO MORE by Broken-bella22
WARNING: based on a true story, rape, betrayal
rape!cob x S.V.U!bella

Jacob is sadly misinformed about what really goes on at a girl's slumber party.

In other newsy type stuff, the Twi-turds have had their twats flapping in the wind recently over the controversial publishing, and possibly movie, deal offered to one Snowqueen's IceDragon for her fanfiction called Master of the Universe. Though other fanfictions have received similar offers, don't ask us why, the offer seemed to rub most everyone the wrong way and in a hilariously embarrassing turn of events, the author sharted a bunch of fucked up word vomit, which you can read here, Mean Girls style about the fandom in general to a fic writing buddy over private messaging and it was leaked. Unfortunately for her, not only is she a bad writer who has lost all her internet friends, she is also incredibly misinformed on the ART of plagiarism. By which we mean all the incriminating shit from her fanfic found its way into her manuscript for publishing, i.e. paraphrasing actual conversations between characters in the books, adopting popular character catch phrases, locations, and occupations of characters within the books. Long story short, looks like SMeyer has been wise to this girl's games for some time and plans to sue her upon the release of the book. Frowny Faaaaaaace. Anyways, we read MOTU and it was 900 pages of bad and horrible. It was just like Isla de Cullen if you exchange the island for a mommy issues metaphor and make the sex even less attractive, if one can imagine such a world. The fanfic has been removed from the internet since the publishing deal was announced, but if you would like own a piece of fanfiction history in high-quality PDF click here.

Isla de Cullen by CaraNo
Breaking Dawn Sex Scene by Broken-bella22
ME IS NO MORE by Broken-bella22

holigays

HAPPY 
BIRTHDAY 
JESUS
Tonight we're gunna party like it's an educated guess somewhere between 6 and 4 BC. Give or take a century.

It isn't looking like we are going to be graced with a white Christmas this year. Today it was an unseasonable 55 degrees with a chance of lower back sweat in gay ol' Manhattan. But fret not, gentle Whovilians, our spirits have not been dimmed. He is the reason for the season after all, and the greatest gift and honor is having Him for a daughter. On this, the holiest of holidays, we have assembled an episode invigorated with yuletide tenor not seen since the days of yore, and also the traditionally rigid, passive aggressive, green bean casserole of familial togetherness, of course. We certainly hope you've all been good this year. If not, yule be sorry you missed out!
Recently, the Twilight Kink Fest came to a close and we have selected two Christmas miracles to share that shone through the competition like the face of the virgin Mother on a slice of hole(y) grain toast.

What Forever Means by rmhale
WARNING: condomless, godless, senseless, AIDS-less buttsexing
Jas!hole x Pe!tard

When one-eye meets brown-eye, worlds collide.

Prompt: "Barebacking. Slash only. What I'd like is a marathon fuck fest of bareback sex. I'm not at all opposed to romance being included, but more than anything, I want to see Guy A desperate to fill Guy B up until he is an exhausted, fucked-out, filthy mess, and Guy B is loving every minute of it."

Communal Living by PolkaDotMama: Chaps. 1 & 2
WARNING: self righteous, self-sexualizing philosophy and gender studies double majors playing house in the woods
v.card!ward x Jas!hole x Dr.Dad!Carlyle x Omelet

Young, virginal Edward Masen is confused. He likes dick, he liked pussy at one point, but can't decide if it is okay to like both at the same time. He has just received his golden ticket to the gates of Lambda Gardens, a safe, judgement free space for rapists and sexual bullies masquerading as hippies. Now Edward spends his days toiling away with sweaty, fuzzy lesbians fixing cars and knitting tree-trade, locally grown leg hair beer koozies. At night, the gut butcher minces over to make poundcake while the manhole inspector digs ditches in the backyard.

Prompt: "Jasper can't take Edward's sexual frustration any longer. He takes matters into his own hands and decides to relieve Edward of his virginity... he didn't expect Emmett and Carlisle to participate too. they each take a turn with him, bet he gets his back when one (or all) of them become his bottom. First time, toy play, rimming, felching, snowballing, withholding orgasm."

What Forever Means by rmhale

Communal Living by PolkaDotMama

face punch...FROM HELL

Explore the chilling legend of pain and anguish as your ears succumb to the petrifying tales of Cullen The Kettle Black - Halloween edition! 


Isla de Cullen: Chap. 9 (cont.)

WARNING: the disembowelment of young Bella's virtue, D/S themes, May/December relationships

Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a. Take!ward x Little!Bella) x voyeuristic Jas!hole

Covet!ward blows his load. 

Three Pigs by Holly1980

WARNING: women of loose morals, loose kegel muscles, and even looser reasoning skills, participation in pagan rituals, sex-negative mormon demons 

Edward x Bella  Alice x Jas!hole Rose x Emmett x mute!farm!hand!Riley

Bored with the monotony of drunken pussy flashing and the lack of service in da club, Bella Swan decides that this Halloween will be different. Convincing her gal pals, Alice and Rosalie, to join her at the Cullen Country Farm Halloween Hay Ride, the girls are swept up in a spooktacular fright of family fun and old farmer Cullen's bevvy of super sexual sons. Choosing to ignore these signs of the devil three - pig races (cloven hooves), pumpkin picking (Jack of The Lantern's Wandering Soul), and zip lining (only assholes zip line) - the girls become quite taken with these slut shaming Mormons of the damned. Unfortunately, no one told them that nothing good happens on Halloween.

Going Solo by Sperks00

WARNING: B.A.B - babies are BORING, 

hairypalmed!Emmett x Edward x Dr.Dad!Carlisle


Since Edward has nothing better to do, like raise his child, so he goes over to his neighbor's to yummy down on Emmett's throbbing hot pole of man chicken. Giving it "Diff'rent Strokes" like Arnold Drummond, a wild Carlisle appears to wiggledunk his son's purple starfish. So escargot, Dr. Dad knows when his little snails need Frenching. Wax on, wax off. 

Isa De Cullen by CaraNo

Three Pigs by Holly1980

Going Solo by Sperks00

Tender Rape

art by sugarpoultry

Time for some homespun grab-assed tomfoolery, but first we would like to remind everyone that we have launched the WEBCOMIC and we are now on twitter under the handle @_ctkblk


Uncontrolled Frustration: Chaps. 5-7
WARNING: slash, incestrophelia, corporal punishment, familial hurl/comfort, soothing back rubs, blazing bottoms, disregard for the fifth commandment
Daddy!Carlisle x ED!Bitchward

Emmett has received his punishment and now it is Edward's turn. Daddy bear Carlisle is displeased by Bitter Betty Edward's 'tude and serves up a full-service, erotically humiliating cuddle rape 'n run.

I Found Love Akon 22 by LovelyBeba
WARNING: RYOKOOOOOOOO, SUP'A KAWAII, way over prices, slutty raver vogue
Jacob!chan x Sam!sama
**our selection for WINNER of the SlashBackSlash 3.0 Contest**

NANI?!!1?? During their annual trip to Project Akon, Jacob finds love in the deep chocolate and chisel of a mysterious masked J-Rocker.

Uncontrolled Frustration by reading is my addiction
I Found Love Akon 22 by LovelyBeba

Kernel Cornelius Cornhole

Holy baloney colonic, Batman! Yes, it's that time again. The time when we bend some ham down on Bosco Boulevard. Once more our collective dude-erus's shall overfloweth with riches of duck butter for our morning toast.

We could blame whoricane Irene or Labor Day for our extended absence, but really it was just the lazy, and deadly, sin of sloth keeping us from pooting out eraudiophelic love letters for all of your sweet, angelic, anglo faces.

We do, however, have a couple of announcements to razz your berries. Cullen the Kettle Black is now on twitter under the handle @_ctkblk!! Discerning followers will find vampire/Twilight-centric gems, crude doodlings, and many full-bellied laughs. Speaking of non-sequitors, we will soon launch the Cullen The Kettle Black web comic site for our Twilight-inspired drawings!!1!11 (they came before the chicken AND the egg)

Uncontrolled Frustration by reading is my addiction: Chaps. 1-4
WARNING: slash, incestrophelia, corporal punishment, familial hurt/comfort, soothing back rubs
Daddy!Carlisle x ED!Bitchward x PowerBottom!Emmett x Ineffectual!Jas!hole

E.D.ward strikes again. Having fought with Bella about her relationship with sistie/bestie Jacob Black, Edward returns home shamefully aroused and spoiling for a good man wrestle. Provoked by Emmett into a quick game of sword-crossing tickle-fight the boys are soon discovered by Carlisle. What comes next is a incesterbation spank-a-thon leaving readers with a confused and uncomfortable feeling similar to when you happen to sit in the one inexplicably hot subway seat next to your creepy uncle who then begins to stroke your knee lovingly, if somewhat roughly.

Uncontrolled Frustration by reading is my addiction

Introducing the title theme to Breaking Dawn pt.1: 
"I don't wanna be a crappy housewife"

cockblockalypse

Isla de Cullen: Chaps. 6-7
WARNING: Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's manatee.
Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a Take!ward x Little!Bella) x Eternally!Vivacious!Manatees

You may be wondering wut happened in chapter 5? The same ill-conceived ball slapping that has been happening since chapter 1.

As Covet!ward and Jas!hole continue to vaingloriously fap over their tag-team Mentalist-style puppetry of Bella's maidenhood, we discover that Edward is in all actuality the afghan hound to Bella's turkey. Both are exceptionally stupid animals for their species.                                      
                                                                                                       Isla de Cullen by CaraNo

Know Thyself by Melooza
WARNING: Sick freaks getting their freak on in a freaky way. Also, homosexual social mustache preening.
Sweaty!Nervous!Fatty!J.Jenks x Good ol' boy!Charlie

Shame fisted by Jesus into a life of vaginomics, Charlie Swan, small town cop, thinks there could be more to life than awkward heterosexual corn dog eating. One fateful night, the magical romance of fresh homicide introduces Chief Swan to the man of his wildest salad tossing wet dreams, detective J. Jenks.

Know Thyself by Melooza

Pretzel Pan Blue-Finger, M.D.

Come little monsters, raise your paws up in the shape of a dick. We're back after an extended vaca(y) to bring you the GAY PRIDE EDITION of Cullen The Kettle Black!! But that's not all, the author of this spicy fart bubble is the illusive, rare unicorn of fanfuckery -- A BIOLOGICAL MALE.


"Judas Manifesto is my pseudonym." WUT!? Get out of town!1!!!11!! 
"My real name is Brandyn M, just in case you were wondering. My most popular name seems to be "B Man"..." From G-D's ass (never take His name in vain!) to our glass table riches abound. 



Strictly Sexual by Judas Manifesto
WARNING: fire sale, gay homosexual anal intercourse, b-hole cream pies, and a general lack of knowledge on the topics of anatomy, physiology, bi-ology, and Scientology.
Backass!Ward x Jas!Hole x Horsecock!Emmett

Edward didn't start the fire, but there were three things about which he was absolutely certain; first, that it was always burning since the world was turning. Second, there was a part of him, and he wasn't sure how dominant that part was, which blamed the fumes of that fire for his flaming gayness, and third, he was unconditionally and irrevocably a twat.

Strictly Sexual by Judas Manifesto

Rape On a Hot Tin Roof

A rapealicious rapecation for your brain.

Fat!Sam doesn't want to know your name, all he wants is BANG, BANG, BANG! ... And maybe some cuddles afterward.

It's open season on CumDumpster!Quil's ass as Dark Love by Chaserno1 continues with chapters 5 & 6.

Dark Love by Chaserno1

Wonderful With Love!

Mother's Day is this Sunday. What better way to pay tribute to the woman who heroically birthed the anencephalic, plotless preemie called Twilight then to lay a Spank!fic over our collective knee? You may have noticed that corporal punishment is a delightfully prevalent theme in the Twilight fandom. So have we. It makes us hotter than July.


One of Us by IcyActress
WARNING: Blatant disregard for the fifth commandment.
Starring: Jas!hole, Carlisle, and Bitch!ward

This is a Jasper/Carlisle corporal punishment fanfic in which Jasper gets his mouth forcefully douched with soap and then receives an uncomfortably arousing, happy-ending style beat down from his adoptive DILF.


One of Us by IcyActress