shit-pants burp-taste

Gather 'round you friends of mine, we're wilderness girls and it's cookie time!
COOKIE TIME
COOKIE TIME

Oops, it's 2013, it's April, and it's our 2 year anniver-sorry! In true Cullen style, this calls for a grand gesture that no one asked for. We offer the gift, the touch, the feel of cotton in the form of this fagtastic Alexander Henry "Not-Twilight" pillow! The fabric of our lives.



Dusty by Yellowbella Sap Sucker: Chap. 11
WARNING: Nazi gold, Christmas explosions, hot needy knots, and twisting tingle knots.
chode!ward x izzy-bizzy-belly-bliss!ella
Jas!hole x ally-pally-pudding-pie!lice

Once you eliminate the impossible, all you have left is the improbable... or something. Probably. On the other hand, you might just get left with Dusty. If Dusty were one of Sophie's choices, she would have said "nah, I'm cool. Fucking bye." Fortunately for that metaphor, it also has a subliminal Aryan supremacy narrative... we think. Anyway, everyone is blond and big-boned.

Dusty, for the uninitiated, is the High School AU that has REVOLUTIONIZED fanfiction as we earthlings know it.... How can this be?  I hear you cry. I thought fanfiction was, at best, fun literary masturbation, at worst, hackneyed nightmare porno shit written by Cosmo interns! YOU'D BE WRONG. This jewel of writing, with its gripping portrayal of insipid teen love, is what all of human history has been preparing us for... and if you disagree, the internet tween-porn thought police will cyber-bully you to suicide.


...and in related news:

CISPA: The Future of Your Privacy and Why You Should Care

Dear Citizens of the World and the Internet at Large,

CISPA is back! It recently passed the house and is moving on to the senate. If you do not know what will happen to you if this "protection" measure becomes law, pop a squat and learn you some. Your porn browsing history will be glad you did.

CISPA allows private businesses and federal agencies the ability to share cybersecurity information with each other. The language currently allows for the sharing of information so long as it is for cybersecurity purposes, but we all really know that the wording is a vague, wide, banquet table-clearing cock sweep that would permit communications service providers to share your emails and text messages WITHOUT A WARRANT. They are even providing special incentives and protections for companies to report. So, Facebook, Twitter, Google, Tumblr, etc., all these sites you use every day will be turned against you. AT&T has already started fapping over your sexts.

Fight For the Future has listed half a dozen points that highlight the issues with CISPA:

1. It lets the government spy on you without a warrant
2. It makes it so you can't even find out about said warrant-less spying until after the fact
3. It makes it so companies cannot be sued when they do illegal things with your data
4. It allows companies to cyber-attack each other and individuals outside of the law
5. It makes every privacy policy on the web a moot point, and is a complete violation of your  4th amendment rights
6. When opponents say that your information can be shared with "The Government" it is not hyperbole. Federal Agencies from the Fish & Wildlife Service to Amtrak to the NSA could access your data, again, WITHOUT A WARRANT

Just like with SOPA, ACTA, and CETA we MUST come together to defeat CISPA once and for all. This bill affects everyone - not just U.S. citizens. Anyone with a Facebook account could now have their data directly handed to the U.S. government. That's why everyone should overwhelmingly oppose this bill. CISPA threatens our most basic rights. Privacy is important not just for our security but for our rights to freedom of expression.

So, what can you do? Head over to cispaisback.org and SitesNotSpies.org, sign the petitions, contact your politicians, and urge others to do the same!

Heavenly Delights

BEHOLD. It has arrived on the whispers of an angel's wing, The Cullen The Kettle Black web comic site!!

The Gods delight in it and so too shall YOU!

Kabuki Rape

Hate Bella!: Chaps. 7-12
WARNING: Crossdressing/Feminization, D/S relationships, DO NOT read this fanfic if you are not capable of multiple orgasms.
Dom!Bella x Sub!ward x Slug!ward x Michael!ward

Jus ween Edward's think the Bella is starting to like him, she. us like the shadow boxing Russian circus/ bear who bite he owner. Mythical doctor's appointments, tight red skirts, and the smell of fresh degradation, the fantastical conclusion(maybe/sorta?) of Hate Bella! is just how Bella like it.

Hate Bella! by rob-love

P.S. Through a series of non-events I was witness to the douche bazooka known as a 100 Monkeys concert over the weekend. I wouldn't recommend it. The experience was somewhat akin to death by horse cock. Also, Jackson Rathbone is a feltchmongering cum fart and Uncle is a sexy chocolate daddy. That is all.

Pretzel Pan Blue-Finger, M.D.

Come little monsters, raise your paws up in the shape of a dick. We're back after an extended vaca(y) to bring you the GAY PRIDE EDITION of Cullen The Kettle Black!! But that's not all, the author of this spicy fart bubble is the illusive, rare unicorn of fanfuckery -- A BIOLOGICAL MALE.


"Judas Manifesto is my pseudonym." WUT!? Get out of town!1!!!11!! 
"My real name is Brandyn M, just in case you were wondering. My most popular name seems to be "B Man"..." From G-D's ass (never take His name in vain!) to our glass table riches abound. 



Strictly Sexual by Judas Manifesto
WARNING: fire sale, gay homosexual anal intercourse, b-hole cream pies, and a general lack of knowledge on the topics of anatomy, physiology, bi-ology, and Scientology.
Backass!Ward x Jas!Hole x Horsecock!Emmett

Edward didn't start the fire, but there were three things about which he was absolutely certain; first, that it was always burning since the world was turning. Second, there was a part of him, and he wasn't sure how dominant that part was, which blamed the fumes of that fire for his flaming gayness, and third, he was unconditionally and irrevocably a twat.

Strictly Sexual by Judas Manifesto

Fat!Sam

Good Day Kind Sirs!


Keeping it moist on the intarwebzz- here we're  all about keeping your information highway walls slick by bringing you the best of the worst of erotic online fanfics, all based on the greatest fanfiction ever written: Stephanie Meyer's Twilight Saga.  Twilight is everything that is good in fanfiction; a slow burn of bad writing, meandering plot, and unresolved sexual tension resulting in four minutes of sex followed by forty minutes of crying.  But you know, four books just wasn't enough-And we're left with a huge hole to fill.... huge!  So here's to DPing the fuck outta this shit.
So many holes.... so little time.
Enjoy.





Dark Love: Chap. 1
WARNING: RAPE! sumptuous PRONZ, sins of the fleeeeesh. It is like stroking the inner thigh of your brain.

Starring everyone's favorite chubby rapist, Fat!Sam and CumDumpster!Quil. This is a SamxQuil IMPRINT fanfic. Which is kind of the Mormon chruch giving permission to spit on it and shove it in. It is also a RAPE fic (our favorite), buuuuuuut if Quil would a.) stop dressing so seductively, b.) not paint himself up like a whore, and c.) lay back and enjoy it.... it wouldn't be rape.

Anyways, without further ado, here is DARK LOVE by chaserno1