shit-pants burp-taste

Gather 'round you friends of mine, we're wilderness girls and it's cookie time!
COOKIE TIME
COOKIE TIME

Oops, it's 2013, it's April, and it's our 2 year anniver-sorry! In true Cullen style, this calls for a grand gesture that no one asked for. We offer the gift, the touch, the feel of cotton in the form of this fagtastic Alexander Henry "Not-Twilight" pillow! The fabric of our lives.



Dusty by Yellowbella Sap Sucker: Chap. 11
WARNING: Nazi gold, Christmas explosions, hot needy knots, and twisting tingle knots.
chode!ward x izzy-bizzy-belly-bliss!ella
Jas!hole x ally-pally-pudding-pie!lice

Once you eliminate the impossible, all you have left is the improbable... or something. Probably. On the other hand, you might just get left with Dusty. If Dusty were one of Sophie's choices, she would have said "nah, I'm cool. Fucking bye." Fortunately for that metaphor, it also has a subliminal Aryan supremacy narrative... we think. Anyway, everyone is blond and big-boned.

Dusty, for the uninitiated, is the High School AU that has REVOLUTIONIZED fanfiction as we earthlings know it.... How can this be?  I hear you cry. I thought fanfiction was, at best, fun literary masturbation, at worst, hackneyed nightmare porno shit written by Cosmo interns! YOU'D BE WRONG. This jewel of writing, with its gripping portrayal of insipid teen love, is what all of human history has been preparing us for... and if you disagree, the internet tween-porn thought police will cyber-bully you to suicide.


...and in related news:

CISPA: The Future of Your Privacy and Why You Should Care

Dear Citizens of the World and the Internet at Large,

CISPA is back! It recently passed the house and is moving on to the senate. If you do not know what will happen to you if this "protection" measure becomes law, pop a squat and learn you some. Your porn browsing history will be glad you did.

CISPA allows private businesses and federal agencies the ability to share cybersecurity information with each other. The language currently allows for the sharing of information so long as it is for cybersecurity purposes, but we all really know that the wording is a vague, wide, banquet table-clearing cock sweep that would permit communications service providers to share your emails and text messages WITHOUT A WARRANT. They are even providing special incentives and protections for companies to report. So, Facebook, Twitter, Google, Tumblr, etc., all these sites you use every day will be turned against you. AT&T has already started fapping over your sexts.

Fight For the Future has listed half a dozen points that highlight the issues with CISPA:

1. It lets the government spy on you without a warrant
2. It makes it so you can't even find out about said warrant-less spying until after the fact
3. It makes it so companies cannot be sued when they do illegal things with your data
4. It allows companies to cyber-attack each other and individuals outside of the law
5. It makes every privacy policy on the web a moot point, and is a complete violation of your  4th amendment rights
6. When opponents say that your information can be shared with "The Government" it is not hyperbole. Federal Agencies from the Fish & Wildlife Service to Amtrak to the NSA could access your data, again, WITHOUT A WARRANT

Just like with SOPA, ACTA, and CETA we MUST come together to defeat CISPA once and for all. This bill affects everyone - not just U.S. citizens. Anyone with a Facebook account could now have their data directly handed to the U.S. government. That's why everyone should overwhelmingly oppose this bill. CISPA threatens our most basic rights. Privacy is important not just for our security but for our rights to freedom of expression.

So, what can you do? Head over to cispaisback.org and SitesNotSpies.org, sign the petitions, contact your politicians, and urge others to do the same!

homo for the holigays

Ho, ho, hoooooly shit! We've returned with an interfaith spectacular to jingle your bellas. Tales of holiday cheer will be slowly revealed to you in a teasing, sensual manner by the emaciated, clammy, arthritic, pincer-like hand claws of Christmas past, present, and future.

We don't know about ya'll pagans, but our nipples are bleeding in stigmata-inspired religious transcendence at the prospect of such unspeakable joy.

New Year's Seductions by ventura.ivs
WARNING: fortune cookie foreplay, fem slash
fucking!lauren x bicurious!bella

You can't change a horse mid stream. A gentlemen is one who puts half his weight on elbows. Your lucky numbers: 4, 68, 90, 12, killyourself

The True Meaning of Christmas by MadAsAHatter37
WARNING: underage native american werewolves being fed alcohol, poppers, and compliments by older, affluent white men.
tocatchah!Carlisle x Scruge!ward x rape!cob

Edward Cullen, once a great believer in the traditional American Christmas, has shied from the sour teet of Kris Kringle. Growing despondent, as perpetual seventeen-year-olds are prone to do, Edward now believes Christmas to be a "Hallmark Holiday" conceived by the liberal agenda and perpetuated by the bargain-starved lower-classes to pervert God and country. Carlisile, the world's most misunderstood white woman,  wants his son to be reminded of the true-true spirit of the holidays. Unfortunately, bad boys like Edward only get one thing from Santa. Gang raped by their fathers and girlfriend's best friends.

Emmett's Hannukah Challenge by lexiecullen17
WARNING: gurl.
Dr.Dad!Carlisle x ED!ward x boring!bella

Oye vey Maria. Lounging in his home office reading a medical journal and rubbing his socked feet together while Dr. Phil plays on mute in the background, Carlisle's asshole begins to twitch and flutter. Sensing that his son is again in need of his help, Carlisle spits his gum and gets to work. This story leaves you with the sad aftertaste of a manischewitz hangover. Mazel Tov!





New Year's Seductions by ventura.ivs
The True Meaning of Christmas by MadAsAHatter37
Emmett's Hannukah Challenge by lexiecullen17

fractured phalluses & broken hearts

Good God, Get a Goddamn Grip Girl.

We know which side our bread is buttered on! Since everyone knows CTKB is all about hard hitting investigative journalism, it's time for some irrelevant months-old news! Your worldview may have been thrown into chaos not so recently after US Weekly published some pictures of Kristin making out with Rupert Sanders, her gross SWATH director (We would have picked his son, Tennyson). In response to Kristin's Craig's List sidewalk sale cock encounter, fans took to their twitter and tumblr accounts in a slut-shaming, sex negative rage, carrying on like a bunch of betrayed housewives.

Fast forward to now, the clouds have parted and good news is shining down, warming the earth, and beginning to dry the banks that were once over-flown with tears. Rob has forgiven Kristin, and Taylor, since he no longer has to pick sides, has resumed his rightful position as Kristin's best gal pal. Balance to the universe has been restored! Whoopie!


So yeah, that's a thing. We prescribe suicide, but if you cannot afford it, the 5 G's will do.

For a second there, we thought the Aztec's might have been right about the whole 2012 thing. But then again, Rob is a Taurus and she's an Aries... HAHA. JUST KIDDING. How can you really believe in that stuff? What a medieval alchemist baby!

ON!WARD to teh pronz!

Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction: Chaps. 14-16
WARNING: There is many a slip between the cup and the lip.
Jas!hole x Sped!ward

0H my G0SH! Famous Lady Gaga Puts his vagina in Her GF tight pussy. Now at GagaOral.way.to Have a Seat and watch links!! Bad Romance. Bad Writing. Bad Fanfic.
Freed from the cavernous moisture of unwanted puss, our hero is free to flap his balls in the winds of fate. Will a gentle zephyr that is Edward Cullen fill his holes with wind, or will his short time on this earth be cut short by chronic workplace masturbation? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

PNP Power Bottom

Dear Europe, Canada, and the internet at large,

Earlier this year we posted about SOPA; a dangerous anti-net neutrality law that could have destroyed the internet as we know it. SOPA, thanks to the combined efforts of the internet and citizens of the United States, was defeated. Now, a new threat is on the horizon and it is your turn, Canada and Europe, to take a stand and protect your rights from your politicians, committees, and the greedy corporations seeking to profit from stripping you of your rights.

ACTA, a.k.a European SOPA, the Anti Counterfitting Trade Agreement, is another highly dangerous threat to your rights and net neutrality. It has been kicking around for almost as long as SOPA (so late last year basically), and was recently thought to be at a stand-still since being rejected by Europe Union. Unfortunately, it now looks like Canada and The European Commission, a group of self-appointed, unelected technocrats lining the pockets of multinational corporations, are not taking no for an answer. According to some sensitive documents that were leaked (thank you internet for doing what you do), it looks like this panel of super douches will use CETA, the Canada - EU Trade Agreement, as a back door to sneak all these over-reaching and damaging provisions over the boarder into law.

ACTA is every bit as damaging to the internet at large as SOPA would have been. ANY SHARED CONTENT THAT YOU DO NOT EXPRESSLY OWN COULD MAKE YOU A POTENTIAL CRIMINAL. ACTA is a pact between countries to ensure that copywriten content, no mater how loosely defined, cannot be shared outside of their country of origin. We already see this happening on YouTube, Google rankings and search, as well as some music sharing sites. If ACTA passes, there will be NO MORE FANFICTIONS, NO MORE IMAGE GALLERIES, NO MORE FANDOM NEWS SOURCE SHARING. NOTHING.

As I have said before, I do not care if you don't think of yourself as political, that you don't care about your rights, get all your downloads legally, that you're too young to vote, don't have time to vote, don't live in Europe or Canada -- THIS IS THE FUCKING INTERNET. Everyone knows someone, who knows someone, who dated someone, who was a foreign exchange student, who met online, who dated online, who masturbated to fanfiction. Reach out to your fellow fans, people you know outside the fandom, your politicians, friends, family, co-works, and tell them you will not stand for any suppression of your rights.


Be sure to check out the video below for a cut and dry explanation of ACTA and inform yourselves on what is really going on. You can also click here to see what was in the original ACTA agreement verses what the commission is trying to tag onto CETA (spoiler alert: not much different).




Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming...


120 Shades of Grey by Jarrod Shanahan

WARNING: libertines, crossover, actually witty, BDSM themes, D/S themes

Marquis De Cullen x E.L. Swan
A hilarious 120 Days of Sodom/50 Shades of Grey mashed potato.


Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction: Chaps. 8-10 ... maybe? Whatever.
WARNING: slash, melodrama, ironic misogyny, pubic hair shaming, maneurysm
DanielTosh!ward x Jas!hole

Out of the darkest jungles of moist pubic hair stalks the latest installment of Boys and Their Toys, straight from Edward Cullen's fantasies to your nightmares.  Muscular men beat a primal tattoo with their flaming cocks as you use your double-ended dildo to machete through underbrush.




120 Shades of Grey by Jarrod Shanahan
Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction




Sources: http://boingboing.net/?p=170057
              http://www.michaelgeist.ca/content/view/6580/135/

pissy jizz flaps

PRIDE - a deeper love! Happy Pride/4th of July/Summer Solstice to our adoring pube-lick the world over.

We come bearing some pretty fantastically overcooked crap snacks to be picked over, in part, by porn vultures like you. One of which was written by the much fabled fanfiction unicorn, a BIOLOGICAL male! Don't say we never gave you anything.

A King's Affection by M.B. Massin (a.k.a. Judas Manifesto): Chaps. 1-3
WARNING: glaring historical inaccuracies, sexually precocious princes, fine Egyptian John Linens
Greek!ward x Jas!hole (eventually)

Welcome to the thunderdome! This homer-erotic epic chronicles the Japanese game show-style Olympian grab-ass games in which house-elves, Jasperous and Isabellaous battle to the death in typical jello wrestling Greek custom to win the fickle favor of the usurping bisexual butt slurp, Edwardicous Culleanious.

Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction: Chaps. 4-7
WARNING: butt-sex elitists, dogs licking piss off stinging nettles, women hating, slash, inappropriate work place masturbation, grilling steaks
Jas!hole x ED!ward

While the emasculating, hairy, steamy jungle cunt is pickling (?) the boys will play... at Edward Cullen's COCK PALACE. Get your ASSHOLE flooded with JIZZ, JIZZ, JIZZ. Have every other available orifice wedged open with vibrating industrial clamps, stuffing your gaping, hungry, spasming holes with probes, beads, tops, whirly gigs, pinwheels, roman candles, and other sensual tchotchkes. Only at Edward Cullen's COCK PALACE. HE DOESN'T EVEN WORK HERE. Edward Cullen's COCK PALACE. Dudes ONLY.





A King's Affection by M.B. Massin
Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction

GOD BLESS...

Sexual Gelflings

Call us Baskin Throbbin', because we have 50 flavors of nonconsensual activity coming at your face!


But hey, you were asking for it.


More from the Batter of the Sexes this time on Cullen the Kettle Black as our heroine, Bella Swan, desperately tries to navigate her way out of the soggy paper bag that is her relationship with Edward Anthony Christian Mason Cullen-Grey ESQUIRE.


When she's not colliding face-first into sliding doors, Miss Swan ponders the illegality of human slavery, accepts extravagant gifts from strange men, and uses her feminine wiles to warm the cockles of Edward's heart.


To further their totes healthy discussion of limits and consent, Edward gives Bella the gift of a redundantly expensive laptop, delivered to her apartment by some nerd whose only purpose is to provide the Greek Chorus to Edward Cullen's improbable wealth.


Since apparently Ms. Swan used a time machine to reach the Year of Our Lord 2012, she has never owned a computer and if left to her own devices would have cracked the new gadget open on a rock and consumed its soft innards.


Once the tricky business of opening a browser is out of the way, Bella is free to peruse the internet for more info on D/S relationships, mostly by typing "Why?" into Yahoo Answers and waiting.

Bella's lack of technological knowledge, while impressive, is rivaled only by Edward's ignorance of the female body. Both their approaches seem to be just to mash buttons wildly until they get their way, and for being a depraved kinky sex god, Edward Cullen's sex technique is like Mr. Bean in a china shop full of dildos.

In one of the more horrifying date-rape-portrayed-as-kink moments so far, we end the chapter with the worst break-in/make-up sex scene ever written with Bella playing the Cindy Lou-Hoo to Edward's sexual Grinch.

Unfortunately in the eyes of the law it is impossible to rape the willing... So even when he's coercing an insecure, brain-dead girl into sex, Edward won't ever be a candidate for the chemical castration he so richly deserves.

OH MY...
IT'S...

Master of the Universe by Icy Hot: Chaps. 19-25


If you would like to provide your own musical accompaniment to this stellar performance of Master of the Universe, pop on over to Icy Hot's OFFICIAL PLAYLIST (sooooo, nothing like SMeyer then, right?). Featuring such timeless humpa-thumpa butt-grinders as "Toxic" by B.Spears, "Witchcraft" by Frank Sinatra, and "Sperm in Aluminum" by Harry Christopher's Turning Sixteen. Also click on the video below to see sexual, chubby cheeked perma-tween Selena Gomez play Anastasia in Funny or Die's version of 50 Shades. It is a little more die than funny, but it's kinda refreshing to see that not everyone is in on this Walmart on Black Friday style sprint to the finish.



Introducing the hit new addition to the Fifty Shades of Grey product line -- the Fifty Shades TRADING CARD GAME! The greatest game ever made. Strategize on how to best manipulate relative strangers and future lovers into non-consensual, compromising, sexual situations and then shame them hideously for it! Complicated, heavily worded contracts and non disclosure agreements make the rules of this game almost impossible to understand! You will be too dizzy from being dick slapped with legally non-binding, circular logic to remember what you're talking about, who you came to the party with, what's in your butt, and whose turn it is to roll. YOU WILL FORGET HOW TO USE A COMPUTER, EMAIL, OR HOW TO CALL 911. Collect all 50!

Amature nipple fumbling

Happy Easter and a hearty welcome back to the most precious Christian treasures of our hearts, we've returned at long last to tickle the ivories of internet pronz. But first, a word from our sponsors...

In recent news, the fight for king of bat shit crazy mountain gets a bit steeper as the sentencing of the "Twilight Rapist" is set to commence, which you can read all about here, while in the mean time, 5 Million Shades of Disappointment has been picked up by Random House for reprint and shopped by Universal Studios for a $5 million, three-movie deal. So in honor of her success, we have decided to present you all with another selection from Master of The Universe.

Master of The Universe by Snow Queen's Ice Dragon: Chaps. 12-16

WARNING: D/S relationships, hoass, bourgeois home decorating, architecture porn, fine wines, terrible company, we smell a sitcom, #dreamscometrue 

Christian!ward x Anastasia!GeorgeTekai!ella

A soft "oh my" is uttered into the mirror as George studies his reflection carefully. George is about to DO IT with Edward Fucking Cullen! He is scared, nervous, and excited all at once. "What will it be like?" George wonders to himself, subconsciously touching his soft, wavy hair. Will he change? Will he look noticeably different to his peers? What about his parents? He had heard stories from the other girls at school that after they had done it the first time, their mothers knew right away. The other girls at school also said it was painful, but George was sure Edward would never hurt him. It would be the best night of his life.



CHECK HERE FOR A PERMANENT LINK TO MOTU

A slightly different version of the "Hi, my name is Joe!" song that MOST OF US learned as kids.

consensual man on man rape

Let's get ready to ruuuuuumbbbllleee..... for safety!
Feast your asses on this sumptuous revelry. The gods delight in them and so too shall you.

Courage by MyTwiDreams 
WARNING: regrettable tattoos, salacious, slimy vagina, hurt/comfort, cloyingly sweet child used as plot device to get characters back together, Mexican hookers with AIDS
Jas!hole x Jerk!ward x lovelessmarriagechild!Riley

Mama, don't ooo wuv daddy no more?
Ends with the couple in a heated embrace, while the tike looks on in unnatural satisfaction, slithering up the duvet like the proverbial Grinch to the Christmas tree hoping against hope to be the filling in a vanilla cookie sandwich.


Reverse Psychology by sisterglitch 
WARNING: corporal punishment, Burch tree splinters, aggressive humiliation, father's teaching sons, soft tears of shame, soothing hugs & sweet nothings
Daddy!Carlisle x ED!Bitchward x Jas!hole x Omelet

Don't make Carlisle turn this car around! Emmett dogs his "younger" brother's jock after a morning of antiquing with dad and "the boys." Edward, witheringly affectionless miser that he is, has a sexual identity crisis resulting in a decidedly rapey off road beating, not because he did anything wrong, but because he is the weakest and smallest of his clan. At some point it becomes impossible to distinguish one's sweat from one's tears, but we're not complaining.




Courage by MyTwiDreams
Reverse Psychology by sisterglitch

holigays

HAPPY 
BIRTHDAY 
JESUS
Tonight we're gunna party like it's an educated guess somewhere between 6 and 4 BC. Give or take a century.

It isn't looking like we are going to be graced with a white Christmas this year. Today it was an unseasonable 55 degrees with a chance of lower back sweat in gay ol' Manhattan. But fret not, gentle Whovilians, our spirits have not been dimmed. He is the reason for the season after all, and the greatest gift and honor is having Him for a daughter. On this, the holiest of holidays, we have assembled an episode invigorated with yuletide tenor not seen since the days of yore, and also the traditionally rigid, passive aggressive, green bean casserole of familial togetherness, of course. We certainly hope you've all been good this year. If not, yule be sorry you missed out!
Recently, the Twilight Kink Fest came to a close and we have selected two Christmas miracles to share that shone through the competition like the face of the virgin Mother on a slice of hole(y) grain toast.

What Forever Means by rmhale
WARNING: condomless, godless, senseless, AIDS-less buttsexing
Jas!hole x Pe!tard

When one-eye meets brown-eye, worlds collide.

Prompt: "Barebacking. Slash only. What I'd like is a marathon fuck fest of bareback sex. I'm not at all opposed to romance being included, but more than anything, I want to see Guy A desperate to fill Guy B up until he is an exhausted, fucked-out, filthy mess, and Guy B is loving every minute of it."

Communal Living by PolkaDotMama: Chaps. 1 & 2
WARNING: self righteous, self-sexualizing philosophy and gender studies double majors playing house in the woods
v.card!ward x Jas!hole x Dr.Dad!Carlyle x Omelet

Young, virginal Edward Masen is confused. He likes dick, he liked pussy at one point, but can't decide if it is okay to like both at the same time. He has just received his golden ticket to the gates of Lambda Gardens, a safe, judgement free space for rapists and sexual bullies masquerading as hippies. Now Edward spends his days toiling away with sweaty, fuzzy lesbians fixing cars and knitting tree-trade, locally grown leg hair beer koozies. At night, the gut butcher minces over to make poundcake while the manhole inspector digs ditches in the backyard.

Prompt: "Jasper can't take Edward's sexual frustration any longer. He takes matters into his own hands and decides to relieve Edward of his virginity... he didn't expect Emmett and Carlisle to participate too. they each take a turn with him, bet he gets his back when one (or all) of them become his bottom. First time, toy play, rimming, felching, snowballing, withholding orgasm."

What Forever Means by rmhale

Communal Living by PolkaDotMama

face punch...FROM HELL

Explore the chilling legend of pain and anguish as your ears succumb to the petrifying tales of Cullen The Kettle Black - Halloween edition! 


Isla de Cullen: Chap. 9 (cont.)

WARNING: the disembowelment of young Bella's virtue, D/S themes, May/December relationships

Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a. Take!ward x Little!Bella) x voyeuristic Jas!hole

Covet!ward blows his load. 

Three Pigs by Holly1980

WARNING: women of loose morals, loose kegel muscles, and even looser reasoning skills, participation in pagan rituals, sex-negative mormon demons 

Edward x Bella  Alice x Jas!hole Rose x Emmett x mute!farm!hand!Riley

Bored with the monotony of drunken pussy flashing and the lack of service in da club, Bella Swan decides that this Halloween will be different. Convincing her gal pals, Alice and Rosalie, to join her at the Cullen Country Farm Halloween Hay Ride, the girls are swept up in a spooktacular fright of family fun and old farmer Cullen's bevvy of super sexual sons. Choosing to ignore these signs of the devil three - pig races (cloven hooves), pumpkin picking (Jack of The Lantern's Wandering Soul), and zip lining (only assholes zip line) - the girls become quite taken with these slut shaming Mormons of the damned. Unfortunately, no one told them that nothing good happens on Halloween.

Going Solo by Sperks00

WARNING: B.A.B - babies are BORING, 

hairypalmed!Emmett x Edward x Dr.Dad!Carlisle


Since Edward has nothing better to do, like raise his child, so he goes over to his neighbor's to yummy down on Emmett's throbbing hot pole of man chicken. Giving it "Diff'rent Strokes" like Arnold Drummond, a wild Carlisle appears to wiggledunk his son's purple starfish. So escargot, Dr. Dad knows when his little snails need Frenching. Wax on, wax off. 

Isa De Cullen by CaraNo

Three Pigs by Holly1980

Going Solo by Sperks00

Iku-Iku

Okaerinasai! This weekend was both New York Comic Con and New York Anime Fest. As such, we felt it was only appropriate to deliver the sink tingling conclusion of I Found Love Akon 22. We will also be reading more of Isla De Cullen featuring a special GUEST READER. OOO the suspense! Hoo could it b?!
If you haven't done so yet, check out the webcomic site. It is constantly being updated with hilarious new items. We can also be found on twitter @_ctkblk.




I Found Love Akon 22: Part 2
WARNING: KAMEHAMEHAAA, nyah, nyahhh, meow, tingling sinks
Jacob!uke x Sam!seme
**our selection for WINNER of the SlashBackSlash 3.0 Contest**
Suki, suki, only 10 dolla'! MASAGA?!?!11!! Ureshii bishonen butsekz, yatta!! J-rocker-sempai shoves it in tomodachi. Itadakimasu! Love you long time- O.K. bye-bye!!


If anyone cares, this is what the future Mrs. Seth Clearwater, Rin Okumura, looks like. A sexual demon approaches.


Isla de Cullen: Chap. 9
WARNING: the disembowelment of young Bella's virtue, D/S themes, May/December relationships
Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a. Take!ward x Little!Bella) x voyeuristic Jas!hole


Covet!ward finally seals the deal. ARGH, ARGH, ARGH. Yuuup, burping the worm in the mole hole. A bit of the ol' bump 'n grind... talkin' 'bout sex. 

I Found Love Akon 22 by LovelyBeba

Isa De Cullen by CaraNo

Tender Rape

art by sugarpoultry

Time for some homespun grab-assed tomfoolery, but first we would like to remind everyone that we have launched the WEBCOMIC and we are now on twitter under the handle @_ctkblk


Uncontrolled Frustration: Chaps. 5-7
WARNING: slash, incestrophelia, corporal punishment, familial hurl/comfort, soothing back rubs, blazing bottoms, disregard for the fifth commandment
Daddy!Carlisle x ED!Bitchward

Emmett has received his punishment and now it is Edward's turn. Daddy bear Carlisle is displeased by Bitter Betty Edward's 'tude and serves up a full-service, erotically humiliating cuddle rape 'n run.

I Found Love Akon 22 by LovelyBeba
WARNING: RYOKOOOOOOOO, SUP'A KAWAII, way over prices, slutty raver vogue
Jacob!chan x Sam!sama
**our selection for WINNER of the SlashBackSlash 3.0 Contest**

NANI?!!1?? During their annual trip to Project Akon, Jacob finds love in the deep chocolate and chisel of a mysterious masked J-Rocker.

Uncontrolled Frustration by reading is my addiction
I Found Love Akon 22 by LovelyBeba

Heavenly Delights

BEHOLD. It has arrived on the whispers of an angel's wing, The Cullen The Kettle Black web comic site!!

The Gods delight in it and so too shall YOU!

Kernel Cornelius Cornhole

Holy baloney colonic, Batman! Yes, it's that time again. The time when we bend some ham down on Bosco Boulevard. Once more our collective dude-erus's shall overfloweth with riches of duck butter for our morning toast.

We could blame whoricane Irene or Labor Day for our extended absence, but really it was just the lazy, and deadly, sin of sloth keeping us from pooting out eraudiophelic love letters for all of your sweet, angelic, anglo faces.

We do, however, have a couple of announcements to razz your berries. Cullen the Kettle Black is now on twitter under the handle @_ctkblk!! Discerning followers will find vampire/Twilight-centric gems, crude doodlings, and many full-bellied laughs. Speaking of non-sequitors, we will soon launch the Cullen The Kettle Black web comic site for our Twilight-inspired drawings!!1!11 (they came before the chicken AND the egg)

Uncontrolled Frustration by reading is my addiction: Chaps. 1-4
WARNING: slash, incestrophelia, corporal punishment, familial hurt/comfort, soothing back rubs
Daddy!Carlisle x ED!Bitchward x PowerBottom!Emmett x Ineffectual!Jas!hole

E.D.ward strikes again. Having fought with Bella about her relationship with sistie/bestie Jacob Black, Edward returns home shamefully aroused and spoiling for a good man wrestle. Provoked by Emmett into a quick game of sword-crossing tickle-fight the boys are soon discovered by Carlisle. What comes next is a incesterbation spank-a-thon leaving readers with a confused and uncomfortable feeling similar to when you happen to sit in the one inexplicably hot subway seat next to your creepy uncle who then begins to stroke your knee lovingly, if somewhat roughly.

Uncontrolled Frustration by reading is my addiction

Introducing the title theme to Breaking Dawn pt.1: 
"I don't wanna be a crappy housewife"

cockblockalypse

Isla de Cullen: Chaps. 6-7
WARNING: Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's manatee.
Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a Take!ward x Little!Bella) x Eternally!Vivacious!Manatees

You may be wondering wut happened in chapter 5? The same ill-conceived ball slapping that has been happening since chapter 1.

As Covet!ward and Jas!hole continue to vaingloriously fap over their tag-team Mentalist-style puppetry of Bella's maidenhood, we discover that Edward is in all actuality the afghan hound to Bella's turkey. Both are exceptionally stupid animals for their species.                                      
                                                                                                       Isla de Cullen by CaraNo

Know Thyself by Melooza
WARNING: Sick freaks getting their freak on in a freaky way. Also, homosexual social mustache preening.
Sweaty!Nervous!Fatty!J.Jenks x Good ol' boy!Charlie

Shame fisted by Jesus into a life of vaginomics, Charlie Swan, small town cop, thinks there could be more to life than awkward heterosexual corn dog eating. One fateful night, the magical romance of fresh homicide introduces Chief Swan to the man of his wildest salad tossing wet dreams, detective J. Jenks.

Know Thyself by Melooza

fug-diddly-umptious

Isla de Cullen by CaraNo: Chaps. 3&4
WARNING: exquisitely flawless, glistening, pure, ripe virginal maidens, D/S May/December relationships
Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a Take!ward x Little!Bella) also featuring Ghost!plane & the sensually rustling winds of change

Be informed that we will be starting with chapter 3, because porn helps to sooth the pain. Here is a brief summary of chapters 1 & 2 so that your world will still be round and toilets will still flush clockwise.

Bella, 18, bored rich girl who is only shown love through the hot shame of Uncle Sam making it rain from her parent's bank account decides to spend the holidays with her friend Alice, also 18, also bored and rich, on the exclusive, private island of family friend, Mr. Edward Cullen, 37. In a desperate attempt to fill the icebox where her heart used to be, Bella finds solace as PURE, the fetish model with a hymen of gold.
Mr Cullen, the verbose douchebag posing as a BDSM dominant, takes to young Bella like a hog to truffles, and it's... could it be.... love?
BUT WAIT! Edward's BFF is like totally Bella's BFF's BF. The tangles web is woved, and it's a wild, cum- gargling ride from then on as Bella and Edward try to juggle business, pleasure, and Edward's testicles.

For a more robust user experience, we recommend the Isla de Cullen BLOG. There is some pretty exquisite fan art. 

BORE-IGIN STORY -- all the background you never cared about.

Isla de Cullen by CaraNo

Kabuki Rape

Hate Bella!: Chaps. 7-12
WARNING: Crossdressing/Feminization, D/S relationships, DO NOT read this fanfic if you are not capable of multiple orgasms.
Dom!Bella x Sub!ward x Slug!ward x Michael!ward

Jus ween Edward's think the Bella is starting to like him, she. us like the shadow boxing Russian circus/ bear who bite he owner. Mythical doctor's appointments, tight red skirts, and the smell of fresh degradation, the fantastical conclusion(maybe/sorta?) of Hate Bella! is just how Bella like it.

Hate Bella! by rob-love

P.S. Through a series of non-events I was witness to the douche bazooka known as a 100 Monkeys concert over the weekend. I wouldn't recommend it. The experience was somewhat akin to death by horse cock. Also, Jackson Rathbone is a feltchmongering cum fart and Uncle is a sexy chocolate daddy. That is all.

Pretzel Pan Blue-Finger, M.D.

Come little monsters, raise your paws up in the shape of a dick. We're back after an extended vaca(y) to bring you the GAY PRIDE EDITION of Cullen The Kettle Black!! But that's not all, the author of this spicy fart bubble is the illusive, rare unicorn of fanfuckery -- A BIOLOGICAL MALE.


"Judas Manifesto is my pseudonym." WUT!? Get out of town!1!!!11!! 
"My real name is Brandyn M, just in case you were wondering. My most popular name seems to be "B Man"..." From G-D's ass (never take His name in vain!) to our glass table riches abound. 



Strictly Sexual by Judas Manifesto
WARNING: fire sale, gay homosexual anal intercourse, b-hole cream pies, and a general lack of knowledge on the topics of anatomy, physiology, bi-ology, and Scientology.
Backass!Ward x Jas!Hole x Horsecock!Emmett

Edward didn't start the fire, but there were three things about which he was absolutely certain; first, that it was always burning since the world was turning. Second, there was a part of him, and he wasn't sure how dominant that part was, which blamed the fumes of that fire for his flaming gayness, and third, he was unconditionally and irrevocably a twat.

Strictly Sexual by Judas Manifesto

Fat!Sam

Good Day Kind Sirs!


Keeping it moist on the intarwebzz- here we're  all about keeping your information highway walls slick by bringing you the best of the worst of erotic online fanfics, all based on the greatest fanfiction ever written: Stephanie Meyer's Twilight Saga.  Twilight is everything that is good in fanfiction; a slow burn of bad writing, meandering plot, and unresolved sexual tension resulting in four minutes of sex followed by forty minutes of crying.  But you know, four books just wasn't enough-And we're left with a huge hole to fill.... huge!  So here's to DPing the fuck outta this shit.
So many holes.... so little time.
Enjoy.





Dark Love: Chap. 1
WARNING: RAPE! sumptuous PRONZ, sins of the fleeeeesh. It is like stroking the inner thigh of your brain.

Starring everyone's favorite chubby rapist, Fat!Sam and CumDumpster!Quil. This is a SamxQuil IMPRINT fanfic. Which is kind of the Mormon chruch giving permission to spit on it and shove it in. It is also a RAPE fic (our favorite), buuuuuuut if Quil would a.) stop dressing so seductively, b.) not paint himself up like a whore, and c.) lay back and enjoy it.... it wouldn't be rape.

Anyways, without further ado, here is DARK LOVE by chaserno1