poonishment

What ho, what ho, what ho!! Here we are in a brand new year, clean slates and all, but curiously enough the fics are still just as shitty as ever.


Isla De Cullen: Chap. 24
WARNING: D/S, May/December relationships, diamonds, Tiffany's, and struffoli
CourtneyStodden!Bella x DougHutchison!Edward

Edward spreads his butt cheeks. They are pulled apart so just the air leaks. With a sputtering squeal eking through the ring of muscle like a deflating balloon into the night he whispers, "Happy New Year" to the barely legal teen he so adores. Set to the score of the New Year's Eve movie.


Breaking Dawn Sex Scene by Broken-bella22
WARNING: overly amorous newly weds
ED!ward x Bella

<----- gross and rude.

On to lucky number 3... unless you're Dale Earnhardt.

ME IS NO MORE by Broken-bella22
WARNING: based on a true story, rape, betrayal
rape!cob x S.V.U!bella

Jacob is sadly misinformed about what really goes on at a girl's slumber party.

In other newsy type stuff, the Twi-turds have had their twats flapping in the wind recently over the controversial publishing, and possibly movie, deal offered to one Snowqueen's IceDragon for her fanfiction called Master of the Universe. Though other fanfictions have received similar offers, don't ask us why, the offer seemed to rub most everyone the wrong way and in a hilariously embarrassing turn of events, the author sharted a bunch of fucked up word vomit, which you can read here, Mean Girls style about the fandom in general to a fic writing buddy over private messaging and it was leaked. Unfortunately for her, not only is she a bad writer who has lost all her internet friends, she is also incredibly misinformed on the ART of plagiarism. By which we mean all the incriminating shit from her fanfic found its way into her manuscript for publishing, i.e. paraphrasing actual conversations between characters in the books, adopting popular character catch phrases, locations, and occupations of characters within the books. Long story short, looks like SMeyer has been wise to this girl's games for some time and plans to sue her upon the release of the book. Frowny Faaaaaaace. Anyways, we read MOTU and it was 900 pages of bad and horrible. It was just like Isla de Cullen if you exchange the island for a mommy issues metaphor and make the sex even less attractive, if one can imagine such a world. The fanfic has been removed from the internet since the publishing deal was announced, but if you would like own a piece of fanfiction history in high-quality PDF click here.

Isla de Cullen by CaraNo
Breaking Dawn Sex Scene by Broken-bella22
ME IS NO MORE by Broken-bella22

holigays

HAPPY 
BIRTHDAY 
JESUS
Tonight we're gunna party like it's an educated guess somewhere between 6 and 4 BC. Give or take a century.

It isn't looking like we are going to be graced with a white Christmas this year. Today it was an unseasonable 55 degrees with a chance of lower back sweat in gay ol' Manhattan. But fret not, gentle Whovilians, our spirits have not been dimmed. He is the reason for the season after all, and the greatest gift and honor is having Him for a daughter. On this, the holiest of holidays, we have assembled an episode invigorated with yuletide tenor not seen since the days of yore, and also the traditionally rigid, passive aggressive, green bean casserole of familial togetherness, of course. We certainly hope you've all been good this year. If not, yule be sorry you missed out!
Recently, the Twilight Kink Fest came to a close and we have selected two Christmas miracles to share that shone through the competition like the face of the virgin Mother on a slice of hole(y) grain toast.

What Forever Means by rmhale
WARNING: condomless, godless, senseless, AIDS-less buttsexing
Jas!hole x Pe!tard

When one-eye meets brown-eye, worlds collide.

Prompt: "Barebacking. Slash only. What I'd like is a marathon fuck fest of bareback sex. I'm not at all opposed to romance being included, but more than anything, I want to see Guy A desperate to fill Guy B up until he is an exhausted, fucked-out, filthy mess, and Guy B is loving every minute of it."

Communal Living by PolkaDotMama: Chaps. 1 & 2
WARNING: self righteous, self-sexualizing philosophy and gender studies double majors playing house in the woods
v.card!ward x Jas!hole x Dr.Dad!Carlyle x Omelet

Young, virginal Edward Masen is confused. He likes dick, he liked pussy at one point, but can't decide if it is okay to like both at the same time. He has just received his golden ticket to the gates of Lambda Gardens, a safe, judgement free space for rapists and sexual bullies masquerading as hippies. Now Edward spends his days toiling away with sweaty, fuzzy lesbians fixing cars and knitting tree-trade, locally grown leg hair beer koozies. At night, the gut butcher minces over to make poundcake while the manhole inspector digs ditches in the backyard.

Prompt: "Jasper can't take Edward's sexual frustration any longer. He takes matters into his own hands and decides to relieve Edward of his virginity... he didn't expect Emmett and Carlisle to participate too. they each take a turn with him, bet he gets his back when one (or all) of them become his bottom. First time, toy play, rimming, felching, snowballing, withholding orgasm."

What Forever Means by rmhale

Communal Living by PolkaDotMama

Penis People

O.M.G.Y.G, we saw Breaking Dawn for the first time last night and we can hardly believe that after all this time it is finally here. It. was. AMAHZENG. Mostly because the plot was turned on its face and had its ass pried open. But we are also sad because we have to wait a whole nother fucking year to see the end of it. We won't go into detail cause of spoilers and shit, but honestly, if you don't want spoilers you shouldn't have read the forth book.

BELLA DIES IN THE END.


I'm WHAT HE'S WHAT? by Mikesh: Chaps. 1-3
WARNING: mpreg, slash, character death, not for the sanitive of hearing
Sm!ella x Jerk!Ward x TwatWaffle!Jacob

O.M.E. hold the mustard! Total drama island! Bella just wanted to spend some quality time with her bestie, Jake, before her wedding, but instead all she got was killed by a biker gang. Nao every1 h8s Jacob for not protecting her. Then through a series of unintentionally hilarious and confusing non events, Jacob becomes preggo with Edward's ego!

Tonya & Rosalie's Lovescapades by VampireLove 1919: Chaps. 1-3
WARNING: womyn with a "y", fem slash, body image affirmation, pussy drum circles, mother earth
Tegan!Tonya x Sara!Rosalie

Many people believe vaginas are frightening deli counters full of mysterious meats and cheeses, but not these box lunch pros. If vaginas were cottages, they'd rent one for the summer. Tonya and Rosalie reinvigorate female sexual archetypes in the name of lezzy love. Ladies, get your pussies out and start drumming. No penis people allowed.

I'm WHAT HE'S WHAT? by mikesh
Tonya & Rosalie's Lovescapades by VampireLove 1919

S.978/SOPA/IP ACT UPDATES: 

As stated at the end of the podcast, S.987 is now being discussed by congress. 700,000 signatures have been delivered by opponents (yay us!), but it still looks as though this bill could pass. So, at this point we harass our congressional representatives to represent our feelings in these discussions. Check out the links below to identify and contact your representative.

SIGN THE PETITION
FIND YOUR CONGRESSIONAL REP

If you're still not convinced that S.978 is a big deal, here is a video that explains the bill better than we ever could.

PRISON RAPE

Bill S.978 - WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

This Wednesday, November 16, 2011, bill S.978, the Protect IP ACT, will be up for vote in the senate to amend current copywrite law to include streaming as a federal offense (under current law, unauthorized streaming is only a misdemeanor). This bill is also EXTREMELY THREATENING TO YOUR RIGHTS. Both Klobuchar and Coons, senators who proposed the bill, have stated that it would only target websites or people who profit from illegally streaming copyrighted material. The problem with this is that the legislation is worded too broadly to protect ordinary users. Proponents of the legislation claim the law will not target ordinary individuals, but we all know that the real world don't work that way. The outcome of any case brought under this new legislation would be up to the interpretation of the prosecutor.

 A key aspect of S.978 seems to be whether a user gains or seeks profit from the material. But when you have an artist like JBiebes, whose YouTube videos led to a super successful career, he could be said to have "gained commercially" from those performances. Meaning that since he made these videos that were originally not-for-porfit, but then made tons of money as a direct result of his videos, he should pay up. The same thing could happen to the Hillywood Girls and their popular Twilight parody videos. They go to Twilight conventions to promote and sell merchandise. What happens when you actively look for donations on your iTunes-hosted podcast or use ad support for your blog/website? What if, for some unknown reason, your shitty fucking fanfic gets turned into a movie? Knowing that it was based on Twilight -- SMeyer might want a cut 'uh dat cheddah. When it comes down to it, "Commercial Infringement" isn’t well defined.

 From Open Congress here is a summary of the bill:
"...Makes unauthorized web streaming of copyrighted content a felony with a possible penalty of up to 5 years in prison. Illegal streaming of copyrighted content is defined in the bill as an offense that “consists of 10 or more public performances by electronic means, during any 180-day period, of 1 or more copyrighted works” and has a total economic value, either to the copyright holder or the infringer, of at least $2,500."

Three major changes are incorporated into this bill...

1.Website blocking: The government and corporations can order service providers to block websites for infringing links posted by any users. (Egypt Riots anyone?)

2.Risk of Jail for Ordinary Users (i.e. you, me, everyone we know): It becomes a felony with a potential 5 year sentence to stream a copyrighted work that would cost more than $2,500 to license, even if you are a totally noncommercial user, e.g. singing a pop song on Facebook or your ringtone is caught in the background of a YouTube video.

3.Chaos on Teh Intarwebz: Thousands of sites that are legal under the DMCA would face new legal threats. People trying to keep the internet more secure wouldn't be able to rely on the integrity of the DNS system. A.k.a. the end of Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Flickr, YouTube, etc. pretty much any site that allows user generated content.

Here is a list of all the groups in support of the bill and how much money they have contributed to this bill. ALL the supporters are members of the entertainment industry. SHOCK.

This bitch, Senator Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) is a TWIMOM. SHE IS ADVOCATING TO REMOVE YOUR FREEDOM TO MAKE MANIPS, BANNERS, FAN VIDS, IMAGE GALLERIES, FANSITES, FANFICTIONS, BUTTONS, PODCASTS, etc. -- Anything that is not licensed for your use. Her bill claims to not harm casual users not seeking profit, but if you have a subscriber donation/sponsored podcast or a blog/website that is ad supported, YOU DOIN' A NICKLE IN TEH BIG HOUSE, BRAH!

So, I am pleading with you, if you live in the United States of America, I don't care if you're not political, buy all your music and movies legally, don't care about Justin Bieber, don't care about your rights, please sign the petition over at
freebieber.org.

If for nothing else, PROTECT TEH PRONZ!!!1!!111!

Watch now as Klobuchar uses precious, tax-payer time on the senate floor discussing with Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan the age-old question, "Jacob or Edward?"
  P.S. Kagan, for her part, refused to comment on any case that might come before her court. Obviously, she knows it's all about Jacob.

--->  freebieber.org <---

 SOURCES:
http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2387202,00.asp http://www.opencongress.org/bill/112-s978/show http://tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/11/does-a-senate-bill-threaten-internet-freedom.php#more http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_S.978

face punch...FROM HELL

Explore the chilling legend of pain and anguish as your ears succumb to the petrifying tales of Cullen The Kettle Black - Halloween edition! 


Isla de Cullen: Chap. 9 (cont.)

WARNING: the disembowelment of young Bella's virtue, D/S themes, May/December relationships

Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a. Take!ward x Little!Bella) x voyeuristic Jas!hole

Covet!ward blows his load. 

Three Pigs by Holly1980

WARNING: women of loose morals, loose kegel muscles, and even looser reasoning skills, participation in pagan rituals, sex-negative mormon demons 

Edward x Bella  Alice x Jas!hole Rose x Emmett x mute!farm!hand!Riley

Bored with the monotony of drunken pussy flashing and the lack of service in da club, Bella Swan decides that this Halloween will be different. Convincing her gal pals, Alice and Rosalie, to join her at the Cullen Country Farm Halloween Hay Ride, the girls are swept up in a spooktacular fright of family fun and old farmer Cullen's bevvy of super sexual sons. Choosing to ignore these signs of the devil three - pig races (cloven hooves), pumpkin picking (Jack of The Lantern's Wandering Soul), and zip lining (only assholes zip line) - the girls become quite taken with these slut shaming Mormons of the damned. Unfortunately, no one told them that nothing good happens on Halloween.

Going Solo by Sperks00

WARNING: B.A.B - babies are BORING, 

hairypalmed!Emmett x Edward x Dr.Dad!Carlisle


Since Edward has nothing better to do, like raise his child, so he goes over to his neighbor's to yummy down on Emmett's throbbing hot pole of man chicken. Giving it "Diff'rent Strokes" like Arnold Drummond, a wild Carlisle appears to wiggledunk his son's purple starfish. So escargot, Dr. Dad knows when his little snails need Frenching. Wax on, wax off. 

Isa De Cullen by CaraNo

Three Pigs by Holly1980

Going Solo by Sperks00

Iku-Iku

Okaerinasai! This weekend was both New York Comic Con and New York Anime Fest. As such, we felt it was only appropriate to deliver the sink tingling conclusion of I Found Love Akon 22. We will also be reading more of Isla De Cullen featuring a special GUEST READER. OOO the suspense! Hoo could it b?!
If you haven't done so yet, check out the webcomic site. It is constantly being updated with hilarious new items. We can also be found on twitter @_ctkblk.




I Found Love Akon 22: Part 2
WARNING: KAMEHAMEHAAA, nyah, nyahhh, meow, tingling sinks
Jacob!uke x Sam!seme
**our selection for WINNER of the SlashBackSlash 3.0 Contest**
Suki, suki, only 10 dolla'! MASAGA?!?!11!! Ureshii bishonen butsekz, yatta!! J-rocker-sempai shoves it in tomodachi. Itadakimasu! Love you long time- O.K. bye-bye!!


If anyone cares, this is what the future Mrs. Seth Clearwater, Rin Okumura, looks like. A sexual demon approaches.


Isla de Cullen: Chap. 9
WARNING: the disembowelment of young Bella's virtue, D/S themes, May/December relationships
Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a. Take!ward x Little!Bella) x voyeuristic Jas!hole


Covet!ward finally seals the deal. ARGH, ARGH, ARGH. Yuuup, burping the worm in the mole hole. A bit of the ol' bump 'n grind... talkin' 'bout sex. 

I Found Love Akon 22 by LovelyBeba

Isa De Cullen by CaraNo

Tender Rape

art by sugarpoultry

Time for some homespun grab-assed tomfoolery, but first we would like to remind everyone that we have launched the WEBCOMIC and we are now on twitter under the handle @_ctkblk


Uncontrolled Frustration: Chaps. 5-7
WARNING: slash, incestrophelia, corporal punishment, familial hurl/comfort, soothing back rubs, blazing bottoms, disregard for the fifth commandment
Daddy!Carlisle x ED!Bitchward

Emmett has received his punishment and now it is Edward's turn. Daddy bear Carlisle is displeased by Bitter Betty Edward's 'tude and serves up a full-service, erotically humiliating cuddle rape 'n run.

I Found Love Akon 22 by LovelyBeba
WARNING: RYOKOOOOOOOO, SUP'A KAWAII, way over prices, slutty raver vogue
Jacob!chan x Sam!sama
**our selection for WINNER of the SlashBackSlash 3.0 Contest**

NANI?!!1?? During their annual trip to Project Akon, Jacob finds love in the deep chocolate and chisel of a mysterious masked J-Rocker.

Uncontrolled Frustration by reading is my addiction
I Found Love Akon 22 by LovelyBeba