Sunday, July 15, 2012

PNP Power Bottom

Dear Europe, Canada, and the internet at large,

Earlier this year we posted about SOPA; a dangerous anti-net neutrality law that could have destroyed the internet as we know it. SOPA, thanks to the combined efforts of the internet and citizens of the United States, was defeated. Now, a new threat is on the horizon and it is your turn, Canada and Europe, to take a stand and protect your rights from your politicians, committees, and the greedy corporations seeking to profit from stripping you of your rights.

ACTA, a.k.a European SOPA, the Anti Counterfitting Trade Agreement, is another highly dangerous threat to your rights and net neutrality. It has been kicking around for almost as long as SOPA (so late last year basically), and was recently thought to be at a stand-still since being rejected by Europe Union. Unfortunately, it now looks like Canada and The European Commission, a group of self-appointed, unelected technocrats lining the pockets of multinational corporations, are not taking no for an answer. According to some sensitive documents that were leaked (thank you internet for doing what you do), it looks like this panel of super douches will use CETA, the Canada - EU Trade Agreement, as a back door to sneak all these over-reaching and damaging provisions over the boarder into law.

ACTA is every bit as damaging to the internet at large as SOPA would have been. ANY SHARED CONTENT THAT YOU DO NOT EXPRESSLY OWN COULD MAKE YOU A POTENTIAL CRIMINAL. ACTA is a pact between countries to ensure that copywriten content, no mater how loosely defined, cannot be shared outside of their country of origin. We already see this happening on YouTube, Google rankings and search, as well as some music sharing sites. If ACTA passes, there will be NO MORE FANFICTIONS, NO MORE IMAGE GALLERIES, NO MORE FANDOM NEWS SOURCE SHARING. NOTHING.

As I have said before, I do not care if you don't think of yourself as political, that you don't care about your rights, get all your downloads legally, that you're too young to vote, don't have time to vote, don't live in Europe or Canada -- THIS IS THE FUCKING INTERNET. Everyone knows someone, who knows someone, who dated someone, who was a foreign exchange student, who met online, who dated online, who masturbated to fanfiction. Reach out to your fellow fans, people you know outside the fandom, your politicians, friends, family, co-works, and tell them you will not stand for any suppression of your rights.


Be sure to check out the video below for a cut and dry explanation of ACTA and inform yourselves on what is really going on. You can also click here to see what was in the original ACTA agreement verses what the commission is trying to tag onto CETA (spoiler alert: not much different).




Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming...


120 Shades of Grey by Jarrod Shanahan

WARNING: libertines, crossover, actually witty, BDSM themes, D/S themes

Marquis De Cullen x E.L. Swan
A hilarious 120 Days of Sodom/50 Shades of Grey mashed potato.


Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction: Chaps. 8-10 ... maybe? Whatever.
WARNING: slash, melodrama, ironic misogyny, pubic hair shaming, maneurysm
DanielTosh!ward x Jas!hole

Out of the darkest jungles of moist pubic hair stalks the latest installment of Boys and Their Toys, straight from Edward Cullen's fantasies to your nightmares.  Muscular men beat a primal tattoo with their flaming cocks as you use your double-ended dildo to machete through underbrush.




120 Shades of Grey by Jarrod Shanahan
Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction




Sources: http://boingboing.net/?p=170057
              http://www.michaelgeist.ca/content/view/6580/135/

Friday, June 29, 2012

pissy jizz flaps

PRIDE - a deeper love! Happy Pride/4th of July/Summer Solstice to our adoring pube-lick the world over.

We come bearing some pretty fantastically overcooked crap snacks to be picked over, in part, by porn vultures like you. One of which was written by the much fabled fanfiction unicorn, a BIOLOGICAL male! Don't say we never gave you anything.

A King's Affection by M.B. Massin (a.k.a. Judas Manifesto): Chaps. 1-3
WARNING: glaring historical inaccuracies, sexually precocious princes, fine Egyptian John Linens
Greek!ward x Jas!hole (eventually)

Welcome to the thunderdome! This homer-erotic epic chronicles the Japanese game show-style Olympian grab-ass games in which house-elves, Jasperous and Isabellaous battle to the death in typical jello wrestling Greek custom to win the fickle favor of the usurping bisexual butt slurp, Edwardicous Culleanious.

Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction: Chaps. 4-7
WARNING: butt-sex elitists, dogs licking piss off stinging nettles, women hating, slash, inappropriate work place masturbation, grilling steaks
Jas!hole x ED!ward

While the emasculating, hairy, steamy jungle cunt is pickling (?) the boys will play... at Edward Cullen's COCK PALACE. Get your ASSHOLE flooded with JIZZ, JIZZ, JIZZ. Have every other available orifice wedged open with vibrating industrial clamps, stuffing your gaping, hungry, spasming holes with probes, beads, tops, whirly gigs, pinwheels, roman candles, and other sensual tchotchkes. Only at Edward Cullen's COCK PALACE. HE DOESN'T EVEN WORK HERE. Edward Cullen's COCK PALACE. Dudes ONLY.





A King's Affection by M.B. Massin
Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction

GOD BLESS...











Thursday, May 31, 2012

Sexual Gelflings

Call us Baskin Throbbin', because we have 50 flavors of nonconsensual activity coming at your face!


But hey, you were asking for it.


More from the Batter of the Sexes this time on Cullen the Kettle Black as our heroine, Bella Swan, desperately tries to navigate her way out of the soggy paper bag that is her relationship with Edward Anthony Christian Mason Cullen-Grey ESQUIRE.


When she's not colliding face-first into sliding doors, Miss Swan ponders the illegality of human slavery, accepts extravagant gifts from strange men, and uses her feminine wiles to warm the cockles of Edward's heart.


To further their totes healthy discussion of limits and consent, Edward gives Bella the gift of a redundantly expensive laptop, delivered to her apartment by some nerd whose only purpose is to provide the Greek Chorus to Edward Cullen's improbable wealth.


Since apparently Ms. Swan used a time machine to reach the Year of Our Lord 2012, she has never owned a computer and if left to her own devices would have cracked the new gadget open on a rock and consumed its soft innards.


Once the tricky business of opening a browser is out of the way, Bella is free to peruse the internet for more info on D/S relationships, mostly by typing "Why?" into Yahoo Answers and waiting.

Bella's lack of technological knowledge, while impressive, is rivaled only by Edward's ignorance of the female body. Both their approaches seem to be just to mash buttons wildly until they get their way, and for being a depraved kinky sex god, Edward Cullen's sex technique is like Mr. Bean in a china shop full of dildos.

In one of the more horrifying date-rape-portrayed-as-kink moments so far, we end the chapter with the worst break-in/make-up sex scene ever written with Bella playing the Cindy Lou-Hoo to Edward's sexual Grinch.

Unfortunately in the eyes of the law it is impossible to rape the willing... So even when he's coercing an insecure, brain-dead girl into sex, Edward won't ever be a candidate for the chemical castration he so richly deserves.

OH MY...
IT'S...

Master of the Universe by Icy Hot: Chaps. 19-25


If you would like to provide your own musical accompaniment to this stellar performance of Master of the Universe, pop on over to Icy Hot's OFFICIAL PLAYLIST (sooooo, nothing like SMeyer then, right?). Featuring such timeless humpa-thumpa butt-grinders as "Toxic" by B.Spears, "Witchcraft" by Frank Sinatra, and "Sperm in Aluminum" by Harry Christopher's Turning Sixteen. Also click on the video below to see sexual, chubby cheeked perma-tween Selena Gomez play Anastasia in Funny or Die's version of 50 Shades. It is a little more die than funny, but it's kinda refreshing to see that not everyone is in on this Walmart on Black Friday style sprint to the finish.



Introducing the hit new addition to the Fifty Shades of Grey product line -- the Fifty Shades TRADING CARD GAME! The greatest game ever made. Strategize on how to best manipulate relative strangers and future lovers into non-consensual, compromising, sexual situations and then shame them hideously for it! Complicated, heavily worded contracts and non disclosure agreements make the rules of this game almost impossible to understand! You will be too dizzy from being dick slapped with legally non-binding, circular logic to remember what you're talking about, who you came to the party with, what's in your butt, and whose turn it is to roll. YOU WILL FORGET HOW TO USE A COMPUTER, EMAIL, OR HOW TO CALL 911. Collect all 50!



Saturday, May 5, 2012

Cat Daddy



Happy Extremely Belated First Anniversary, Internet. On this untimely celebration of what we ASS=u+me was the most auspicious of occasions, our paper anniversary, we have had something especially printed for you all. Feast your asses on this TWILIGHT TOILET PAPER(available here if you realllllly want it)!

Also, a very happy Cinco de Mayo to all our Mexi-CANS. Thanks for butt-fucking up Napoleon's plans and inadvertently crushing the Southern troupes from within. You saved us from having to deal with France as a super douche power nation. International high fives all around.

Seven by Estoria:
WARNING: harvest time, child brides
Rape!cob x Jack!Resnesmee (thumbs up if you remember the movie Jack)

Young, dumb, and full of spiders, Jacob Black sits numbly before a jury of his peers awaiting what he is sure will be a guilty verdict. His attorney had gone for a the hail mary "Dog Years" defense. He wasn't convinced it was going to work, but "if the muzzle doesn't fit, you must acquit!" Renesmee Cullen might have turned a sexy, salivating seven years old in human years that day, but that's still 44 in dog years if she were a small breed. The judge emerges from his chamber of secrets and the court rises to receive the verdict.

Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction: Chap. 2? Maybe? Who cares.
WARNING: righteous sex positive indignation, slimy pussy jungles
ED!ward x Jas!hole x Maggie

Here at Edward Cullen's COCK PALACE you get two in every hole. No fuzzy cunt pickles permitted, my dude. Just DICK, DICK, DICK


Communal Living by PolkaDotMama: Chaps. 7-8
WARNING: more of the same
ED!ward x Jas!hole x Omelet x CatDaddy!Carlisle

Call me SpongeBob, stackin' crabby patties. Bitch, I go to work. Do my Cat Daddy. Cat Daddy, Cat Daddy, Cat Daddy, Cat Daddy (bitch, I go to work).

That's what we wish this story was about.





Boys and Their Toys by TexasRoseFanfiction
Seven by Estora
Communal Living by PolkaDotMama

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Amature nipple fumbling

Happy Easter and a hearty welcome back to the most precious Christian treasures of our hearts, we've returned at long last to tickle the ivories of internet pronz. But first, a word from our sponsors...

In recent news, the fight for king of bat shit crazy mountain gets a bit steeper as the sentencing of the "Twilight Rapist" is set to commence, which you can read all about here, while in the mean time, 5 Million Shades of Disappointment has been picked up by Random House for reprint and shopped by Universal Studios for a $5 million, three-movie deal. So in honor of her success, we have decided to present you all with another selection from Master of The Universe.

Master of The Universe by Snow Queen's Ice Dragon: Chaps. 12-16
WARNING: D/S relationships, hoass, bourgeois home decorating, architecture porn, fine wines, terrible company, we smell a sitcom, #dreamscometrue 
Christian!ward x Anastasia!GeorgeTekai!ella

A soft "oh my" is uttered into the mirror as George studies his reflection carefully. George is about to DO IT with Edward Fucking Cullen! He is scared, nervous, and excited all at once. "What will it be like?" George wonders to himself, subconsciously touching his soft, wavy hair. Will he change? Will he look noticeably different to his peers? What about his parents? He had heard stories from the other girls at school that after they had done it the first time, their mothers knew right away. The other girls at school also said it was painful, but George was sure Edward would never hurt him. It would be the best night of his life.



CHECK HERE FOR A PERMANENT LINK TO MOTU

A slightly different version of the "Hi, my name is Joe!" song that MOST OF US learned as kids.

Monday, March 5, 2012

consensual man on man rape

Let's get ready to ruuuuuumbbbllleee..... for safety!
Feast your asses on this sumptuous revelry. The gods delight in them and so too shall you.

Courage by MyTwiDreams 
WARNING: regrettable tattoos, salacious, slimy vagina, hurt/comfort, cloyingly sweet child used as plot device to get characters back together, Mexican hookers with AIDS
Jas!hole x Jerk!ward x lovelessmarriagechild!Riley

Mama, don't ooo wuv daddy no more?
Ends with the couple in a heated embrace, while the tike looks on in unnatural satisfaction, slithering up the duvet like the proverbial Grinch to the Christmas tree hoping against hope to be the filling in a vanilla cookie sandwich.


Reverse Psychology by sisterglitch 
WARNING: corporal punishment, Burch tree splinters, aggressive humiliation, father's teaching sons, soft tears of shame, soothing hugs & sweet nothings
Daddy!Carlisle x ED!Bitchward x Jas!hole x Omelet

Don't make Carlisle turn this car around! Emmett dogs his "younger" brother's jock after a morning of antiquing with dad and "the boys." Edward, witheringly affectionless miser that he is, has a sexual identity crisis resulting in a decidedly rapey off road beating, not because he did anything wrong, but because he is the weakest and smallest of his clan. At some point it becomes impossible to distinguish one's sweat from one's tears, but we're not complaining.




Courage by MyTwiDreams
Reverse Psychology by sisterglitch

Thursday, January 12, 2012

poonishment

What ho, what ho, what ho!! Here we are in a brand new year, clean slates and all, but curiously enough the fics are still just as shitty as ever.


Isla De Cullen: Chap. 24
WARNING: D/S, May/December relationships, diamonds, Tiffany's, and struffoli
CourtneyStodden!Bella x DougHutchison!Edward

Edward spreads his butt cheeks. They are pulled apart so just the air leaks. With a sputtering squeal eking through the ring of muscle like a deflating balloon into the night he whispers, "Happy New Year" to the barely legal teen he so adores. Set to the score of the New Year's Eve movie.


Breaking Dawn Sex Scene by Broken-bella22
WARNING: overly amorous newly weds
ED!ward x Bella

<----- gross and rude.

On to lucky number 3... unless you're Dale Earnhardt.

ME IS NO MORE by Broken-bella22
WARNING: based on a true story, rape, betrayal
rape!cob x S.V.U!bella

Jacob is sadly misinformed about what really goes on at a girl's slumber party.

In other newsy type stuff, the Twi-turds have had their twats flapping in the wind recently over the controversial publishing, and possibly movie, deal offered to one Snowqueen's IceDragon for her fanfiction called Master of the Universe. Though other fanfictions have received similar offers, don't ask us why, the offer seemed to rub most everyone the wrong way and in a hilariously embarrassing turn of events, the author sharted a bunch of fucked up word vomit, which you can read here, Mean Girls style about the fandom in general to a fic writing buddy over private messaging and it was leaked. Unfortunately for her, not only is she a bad writer who has lost all her internet friends, she is also incredibly misinformed on the ART of plagiarism. By which we mean all the incriminating shit from her fanfic found its way into her manuscript for publishing, i.e. paraphrasing actual conversations between characters in the books, adopting popular character catch phrases, locations, and occupations of characters within the books. Long story short, looks like SMeyer has been wise to this girl's games for some time and plans to sue her upon the release of the book. Frowny Faaaaaaace. Anyways, we read MOTU and it was 900 pages of bad and horrible. It was just like Isla de Cullen if you exchange the island for a mommy issues metaphor and make the sex even less attractive, if one can imagine such a world. The fanfic has been removed from the internet since the publishing deal was announced, but if you would like own a piece of fanfiction history in high-quality PDF click here.




Isla de Cullen by CaraNo
Breaking Dawn Sex Scene by Broken-bella22
ME IS NO MORE by Broken-bella22