Kernel Cornelius Cornhole

Holy baloney colonic, Batman! Yes, it's that time again. The time when we bend some ham down on Bosco Boulevard. Once more our collective dude-erus's shall overfloweth with riches of duck butter for our morning toast.

We could blame whoricane Irene or Labor Day for our extended absence, but really it was just the lazy, and deadly, sin of sloth keeping us from pooting out eraudiophelic love letters for all of your sweet, angelic, anglo faces.

We do, however, have a couple of announcements to razz your berries. Cullen the Kettle Black is now on twitter under the handle @_ctkblk!! Discerning followers will find vampire/Twilight-centric gems, crude doodlings, and many full-bellied laughs. Speaking of non-sequitors, we will soon launch the Cullen The Kettle Black web comic site for our Twilight-inspired drawings!!1!11 (they came before the chicken AND the egg)

Uncontrolled Frustration by reading is my addiction: Chaps. 1-4
WARNING: slash, incestrophelia, corporal punishment, familial hurt/comfort, soothing back rubs
Daddy!Carlisle x ED!Bitchward x PowerBottom!Emmett x Ineffectual!Jas!hole

E.D.ward strikes again. Having fought with Bella about her relationship with sistie/bestie Jacob Black, Edward returns home shamefully aroused and spoiling for a good man wrestle. Provoked by Emmett into a quick game of sword-crossing tickle-fight the boys are soon discovered by Carlisle. What comes next is a incesterbation spank-a-thon leaving readers with a confused and uncomfortable feeling similar to when you happen to sit in the one inexplicably hot subway seat next to your creepy uncle who then begins to stroke your knee lovingly, if somewhat roughly.

Uncontrolled Frustration by reading is my addiction

Introducing the title theme to Breaking Dawn pt.1: 
"I don't wanna be a crappy housewife"

cockblockalypse

Isla de Cullen: Chaps. 6-7
WARNING: Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's manatee.
Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a Take!ward x Little!Bella) x Eternally!Vivacious!Manatees

You may be wondering wut happened in chapter 5? The same ill-conceived ball slapping that has been happening since chapter 1.

As Covet!ward and Jas!hole continue to vaingloriously fap over their tag-team Mentalist-style puppetry of Bella's maidenhood, we discover that Edward is in all actuality the afghan hound to Bella's turkey. Both are exceptionally stupid animals for their species.                                      
                                                                                                       Isla de Cullen by CaraNo

Know Thyself by Melooza
WARNING: Sick freaks getting their freak on in a freaky way. Also, homosexual social mustache preening.
Sweaty!Nervous!Fatty!J.Jenks x Good ol' boy!Charlie

Shame fisted by Jesus into a life of vaginomics, Charlie Swan, small town cop, thinks there could be more to life than awkward heterosexual corn dog eating. One fateful night, the magical romance of fresh homicide introduces Chief Swan to the man of his wildest salad tossing wet dreams, detective J. Jenks.

Know Thyself by Melooza

fug-diddly-umptious

Isla de Cullen by CaraNo: Chaps. 3&4
WARNING: exquisitely flawless, glistening, pure, ripe virginal maidens, D/S May/December relationships
Covet!ward x SugarBaby!Bella (a.k.a Take!ward x Little!Bella) also featuring Ghost!plane & the sensually rustling winds of change

Be informed that we will be starting with chapter 3, because porn helps to sooth the pain. Here is a brief summary of chapters 1 & 2 so that your world will still be round and toilets will still flush clockwise.

Bella, 18, bored rich girl who is only shown love through the hot shame of Uncle Sam making it rain from her parent's bank account decides to spend the holidays with her friend Alice, also 18, also bored and rich, on the exclusive, private island of family friend, Mr. Edward Cullen, 37. In a desperate attempt to fill the icebox where her heart used to be, Bella finds solace as PURE, the fetish model with a hymen of gold.
Mr Cullen, the verbose douchebag posing as a BDSM dominant, takes to young Bella like a hog to truffles, and it's... could it be.... love?
BUT WAIT! Edward's BFF is like totally Bella's BFF's BF. The tangles web is woved, and it's a wild, cum- gargling ride from then on as Bella and Edward try to juggle business, pleasure, and Edward's testicles.

For a more robust user experience, we recommend the Isla de Cullen BLOG. There is some pretty exquisite fan art. 

BORE-IGIN STORY -- all the background you never cared about.

Isla de Cullen by CaraNo

Kabuki Rape

Hate Bella!: Chaps. 7-12
WARNING: Crossdressing/Feminization, D/S relationships, DO NOT read this fanfic if you are not capable of multiple orgasms.
Dom!Bella x Sub!ward x Slug!ward x Michael!ward

Jus ween Edward's think the Bella is starting to like him, she. us like the shadow boxing Russian circus/ bear who bite he owner. Mythical doctor's appointments, tight red skirts, and the smell of fresh degradation, the fantastical conclusion(maybe/sorta?) of Hate Bella! is just how Bella like it.

Hate Bella! by rob-love

P.S. Through a series of non-events I was witness to the douche bazooka known as a 100 Monkeys concert over the weekend. I wouldn't recommend it. The experience was somewhat akin to death by horse cock. Also, Jackson Rathbone is a feltchmongering cum fart and Uncle is a sexy chocolate daddy. That is all.

Pretzel Pan Blue-Finger, M.D.

Come little monsters, raise your paws up in the shape of a dick. We're back after an extended vaca(y) to bring you the GAY PRIDE EDITION of Cullen The Kettle Black!! But that's not all, the author of this spicy fart bubble is the illusive, rare unicorn of fanfuckery -- A BIOLOGICAL MALE.


"Judas Manifesto is my pseudonym." WUT!? Get out of town!1!!!11!! 
"My real name is Brandyn M, just in case you were wondering. My most popular name seems to be "B Man"..." From G-D's ass (never take His name in vain!) to our glass table riches abound. 



Strictly Sexual by Judas Manifesto
WARNING: fire sale, gay homosexual anal intercourse, b-hole cream pies, and a general lack of knowledge on the topics of anatomy, physiology, bi-ology, and Scientology.
Backass!Ward x Jas!Hole x Horsecock!Emmett

Edward didn't start the fire, but there were three things about which he was absolutely certain; first, that it was always burning since the world was turning. Second, there was a part of him, and he wasn't sure how dominant that part was, which blamed the fumes of that fire for his flaming gayness, and third, he was unconditionally and irrevocably a twat.

Strictly Sexual by Judas Manifesto

Must Luv Dawgz

The time has finally come. THE EXCITING CONCLUSION TO DARK LOVE. Sort of. We drilled for bile and exhausted all the riches this fic has to offer (at this time).

Dark Love: Chaps. 9-10
WARNING: premarital, sinful, same-sex, high calorie  DickLover's pizza
ChrisBown!Fat!Sam x RihannaMcDonald!CumDumpster!Quil

Fat!Sam has finally succeeded in his plan to dickmatize CumDupster!Quil with his dickmanship. Chaserno1 has finally succeeded in convincing us that our own day-to-day relationships are abnormal without the existence of rape. RAPE = LOVE

It's like the classic romantic comedy where Tom Hanks shows Meg Ryan what she's been missing in her life by turning into a big-handed dog rapist and lavishing her with anal fissures (spoil, spoil, covet).  She doesn't want to let him into the perfect life she's made for herself... AT FIRST.  But her girlfriends show her that if she can just see the light, she'll realize that he's a really... sincere guy.

After all is said and done, a hemmhorrage in your b-hole is just the fear of BEING HAPPY leaving your body.
Yeah. This is like that.
Go find your rapist and love him like you'll never let go, Jack.

Dark Love by Chaserno1

AIDS, but sexy

"Horny vampire Edmund feasts on cock and ass tonight!"
Meet Edmund, Billa, & Egan, the stars of Twinklight, the vampire themed porn!

Synopsis: "In this highly anticipated Afton Nills' feature film Billa plays an innocent twink searching for a new beginning. What he finds is the dark and dangerous world of vampires; an erotic and cryptic society filled with fucking and blood sucking. Billa spirals deeper into the underworld as he falls for the forbidden but irresistible Edmund, a strong and powerful vampire. Twinklight is a dramatic and graphic expose on the secrets, horrors and sexual fantasies of vampires. Watch as these young and deadly monsters take whatever pleasures they desire, reveling in a world of unrestrained gratification and hardcore twink fucking. Watch for more feature films from the new vampire saga Twinklight!"



Twinklight - Official Trailer from Afton Nills on Vimeo.


Twinklight - Krys Perez & Jayden Ellis from Afton Nills on Vimeo.

If you would like to know more, follow this link. We will probably let everyone know if we find a good torrent for a couple episodes.